Yossarian: Hello Mr. Bane. I’d like to start out by thanking you for having your henchmen deliver your plan to Destroy Gotham and fulfill Ra’s Al Ghul’s original goal.
Bane: Please, call me “Bane.” It was no problem. I look forward to your input.
Yossarian: Right…so…is it the mask that makes you sound that way? Where are you from? You know what it doesn't matter. Time is limited; we need to get your wheels in motion here! I am pumped, let’s start here. So it looks like your overall goal is to destroy Gotham.
Bane: The corrupt city must be purified. Nothing purifies like fire.
Yossarian: Nice. I like where your head is at. I went over your plan and I just have a few questions. Hopefully we can iron these out and maybe streamline your plan here in an effort to maximize the potential for success.
Bane: The consulting begins sir.
Yossarian: Seriously, when this is all over you have to tell me where you’re from. That accent is a gas man. Okay, so we know where you want to end, with the annihilation of Gotham, so let’s just do a dry run from the beginning and kind of discuss the steps of your plan. It looks like you want to start off by hijacking a CIA airplane in an effort to get this Dr. in your clutches yes?
Bane: That is correct. He will do science to a power reactor turning it into a time bomb.
Yossarian: Splendid. Look, this is minor but wouldn’t it be a little easier to just acquire a few nuclear weapons and smuggle them into the city?
Bane: Mr. Wayne’s technology must be the fuse to ignite the fire.
Yossarian: Right. Mr. Wayne keeps coming up in your plan here. Well, it’s sound enough so far. I saw in the support appendix that this “League of Shadows” pretty much owns Gotham anyway, so cool. Let’s move on. Please just take it back and consider smuggling in Nukes. I find the fewer Intelligence Agencies we piss off throughout our course of action the better. Let’s see…the next step…right here we are, so it looks like you set up shop in the sewers. Good idea by the way. I like the idea of a sewer base of operations. But…it looks like it’s right under Wayne Enterprises. Again with this Wayne guy?
Bane: We need the armory.
Yossarian: I can’t find fault there. The more firepower you have and the less the other guy has the better. I guess this is where we are going to start to have a problem. You seem to be intent on drawing a lot of attention to yourself and your plan.
Bane: I must draw out Batman.
Yossarian: Yeah. Can I just say, with all due respect, that “drawing out Batman,” is a terrible, terrible idea? I mean, he’s Batman. He stops this sort of thing you know?
Bane: Batman must be punished for murdering my mentor Ra’s.
Yossarian: I know that’s right. Ummm…but, what difference does it make? He dies, Gotham dies, and everyone dies in this nuke explosion right? Why even mess with him?
Bane: His punishment must be more severe.
Yossarian: Interesting. I don’t understand. It seems the fewer variables you bring upon yourself the higher chace you have of succeeding. So far you’ve already started problems with the CIA, Bruce Wayne and Batman.
Bane: Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Yossarian: Whoa. Spoiler alert. Okay so it’s starting to make a little more sense here. You have a “destroy Gotham/punish the fella who killed Ra’s” thing happening. Okay. Look, can we set a priority? Which of your goals is primary? Destroy Gotham or Punish Batman?
Bane: They are of equal importance. One cannot happen without the other.
Yossarian: Well that is unquestionably debatable. I just think we have a better chance of destroying Gotham if we don’t involve Batman at all…on any level…whatsoever.
Bane: And that is why no one will remember your name.
Yossarian: What is that? “Troy?” Are you quoting Troy? It doesn’t matter. We can move on. Okay so we are going to pull a heist in an effort to make Bruce Wayne broke…good good, I dig it. That seems rationale considering the ultimate goal is to kill him anyway. And now we are going to draw Batman into a fist fight into the sewers where you’ve set up and been actively recruiting orphans to with “work.” Are you sure you can beat Batman in a fight?
Bane: But of course.
Yossarian: Now a mustard commercial? Okay well I hope you fight better than you plan. Well that is certainly a good news story. You will beat Batman and imprison him.
Bane: In a pit of hell.
Yossarian: Neat…now this “pit of hell.” Is there a way to escape?
Bane: There is only one exit, it is the entrance.
Yossarian. Oh boy.
Bane: One has escaped.
Yossarian: Should we, and I’m just thinking out loud, place an alive Batman in a place where, even by the slimmest of margins, it is possible to escape?
Bane: I will break his back.
Yossarian: Well okay that is a combat multiplier if I’ve ever heard of one. Now, I wouldn’t be a good consultant if I didn’t ask – are there any doctors or ancient healers or a magic pit of goo down there?
Bane: There is a doctor who healed my face and left me like this.
Yossarian: HmmHmm. You turned out pretty well. Can we maybe place him in a location without a doctor who fixed whatever happened to you in an underground prison IN said underground prison?
Bane: It is symbolic.
Yossarian: I’d rather imprison people behind literal bars. That’s just me. Whatever, so where do we stand? Oh okay, so thusly we have:
A – Infiltrated Gotham.
B – Drawn a lot of attention to ourselves.
C – Defeated Batman.
D – Stolen all of Bruce Wayne’s money.
E – Imprisoned Bruce (Batman.)
Bane: That is correct.
Yossarian: Okay, we are also blowing up Gotham’s football stadium during a home game.
Bane: Yes.
Yossarian: Please. Ummm…that is a bad idea. We have already exposed ourselves to the CIA, who will undoubtedly let the NSA, FBI, White House and Interpol in on it. Can we NOT involve the American People via a national television broadcast?
Bane: The people must be aware of their liberation.
Yossarian: Right. Let’s be honest here. You aren’t liberating dick. You are blowing the city up. There is a subtle difference. I mean if David Icke is right and it’s all just a matter of vibrational levels of existence and infinite consciousness, then yeah I guess on an ethereal, metaphysical and esoteric sense of it all you could be liberating them…but is that really your goal?
Bane: It is the plan.
Yossarian: I don’t even know what that means. I could use a drink. Can I offer you a…never mind. Okay, moving on. Now, all of the police…they are all going into the sewers?
Bane: The police have rules.
Yossarian: “Die Hard.” Nice. We are at least moving up in the world of our references. I get that the police have an SOP. But can you be sure that the man making the decisions will send all cops into the sewers after you? I mean what if he only send like maybe a squad or a platoon or whatever they have or a SWAT team?
Bane: They will send everyone.
Yossarian: …
Bane: I have foreseen it.
Yossarian: That movie doesn’t exist. Okay, you seem like you don’t want to reconsider this. So, all bridges, sans one, and the football stadium are now blown up, you have your weapon and it’s traveling around the city. Batman is in a prison somewhere on Earth. All police are trapped in the sewers. Now we play the waiting game. And then, and finally, Gotham blows up?
Bane: That is undeniably true.
Yossarian: IN BRUGES!!! Great flick. Nice. But, I mean come on. How about you:
A - Get your weapon(s).
B - Get Bruce Wayne.
C - Sit in the sewers with Bruce and your bomb(s).
D - Wait.
I mean seriously, I don’t see an escape plan here for you or anyone, so wouldn’t my plan kind of enable you to:
A - Destroy Gotham.
B – Torture Bruce.
C – Draw minimal attention to yourself while you do it, and also ensure that Bruce doesn’t get himself all motivated and come back as Batman to foil your plan.
Right? Makes a lot of sense yes? Minimizes a lot of variables wouldn't you say?
Bane: No.
Yossarian: Not with that attitude.
Bane: Talia wants it this way.
Yossarian: Wait. Talia?
Bane: Shit tits.
Yossarian: I wouldn't be a very good consultant if I didn't ask - who is Talia?
Bane: Miranda. Ra’s Al Ghul’s daughter. The mastermind. The one I serve.
Yossarian: YOU AREN’T IN CHARGE? Can I please speak with who is in charge then?
Bane: Do you feel like you are in charge?
Yossarian: Sigh. Your own movie? So what are you again?
Bane: I love and protect Talia. I supervise her plans until fruition.
Yossarian: I am done with this. Good luck with this. I have a meeting in 20 with Loki.