4 Things Broken In Spider-Man Movies.
1: The Villains Identical Origins
In five movies, Spider-Man has now existed in two 'universes', though Sony's approach to making them hasn't changed, leaving one consistent moral across all movies: science is bad. They express this through the villains:
Norman Osborn: Rich businessman, under pressure by his company to impress them experiments on himself, science happens, and suddenly he's an evil man who wants to kill Spider-Man.
Dr Octavius: Scientist, trying to save the world with nuclear fusion, performs an experiment gone wrong, science happens, becomes an evil man who wants to kill Spider-Man.
Marco Flint: Criminal on the run, sick daughter, walks into a science experiment, becomes evil and wants to kill Spider-Man.
Pictued: SCIENCE!
Eddie Brock: Ambitious photographer struggling to make a buck, comes into contact with Pete's discarded alien suit, science happens, wants to kill Spider-Man.
Dr Connors: Scientist, under pressure by his company to impress them experiments on himself, science happens, becomes evil and wants to kill Spider-Man.
Max Dillon: Creepy everyman, falls into a science experiment, science happens, becomes evil and wants to kill Spider-Man.
Harry Osborn: Rich kid with inherited disease, desperately experiments on himself, science happens, becomes evil and wants to kill Spider-Man.
So, in conclusion: science is bad. If "science happens" to you and your name is not Peter Parker, you're in for a rough time. Sony believes we won't care about a villain unless we see them being normal for half an hour or so, and then tragically turn into a villain via science. See? They're not all bad guys, just good people turned wrong by science! What happened to villains who just wanted power and money? Or even hated Spider-Man without some bullshit experiment leading them to the epiphany?
2: "Dark and Gritty"
This also relates to villains. Just look at them.
When the original Spider-Man films were made, comic book movies weren’t a huge thing, and the Spidey villains tend to be pretty outlandish. So instead of risking baddies that looked like Batman & Robin rejects, Sony tried to keep the world a little more ‘grounded’, so the Green Goblin became a man in some prototype military suit, and Hob-Goblin became a man in a prototype military suit. Hell, they even explained away Dock Ock’s arms as having some advanced AI, which is automatically evil? Sandman was a half-decent attempt, though the size he grew to at the end killed it for many. It’s easy to see how Venom was a last-minute studio insistance, as Sam Raimi was clearly not establishing a world in which aliens existed in the previous movies.
While the “Amazing” franchise is a little more comic-y, it still tries desperately to hide the characters’ comic book styles. Taking Electro and turning him into a blue man who wears a sith robe and fires dubstep bolts is a decision I hope somebody was high making. Fans have also criticised first turning Rhino into a Russian mob stereotype, then into a giant mech suit rather than, you know, a rhino. I will however defend that decision, because after Peter getting sider powers after an incident with a spider, Dr Connors turning into a Lizard after experimenting with lizards, and Electro getting electric powers after tangling with electric eels, perhaps a part-man part-rhino hybrid would have tipped the movie into "Animal Planet" territory.
The second movie then gives us another chance at Green Goblin, and although they made a move in the right direction by not hiding the actor in a mask, the result was still the diet-coke of Goblins. Seriously, we’ve seen three goddamn Osborns take up the glider, and not one has looked anything like the green goblin from the comics or TV shows. It’s hard to have faith in a franchise that’s so embarrassed of it’s villains that it distorts them beyond all recognition in hope it’ll make them more palatable. Meanwhile Marvel is storming the box office with a talking racoon and a tree that can only say one sentence. "Gritty and realistic" works for Batman, kinda, but Spider-Man's universe is too unrealistic to play with a straight face and psuedo-science.
Why not?
3: Romance Exhaustion
We love to see strong female characters who don't need to have their lives revolve around a man, yet we don't raise issue with 5 movies of watching Peter Parker's almost defining trait being the women he's having to constantly save. Sony believes Spider-Man always needs a skinny attractive white woman to save. Or two, in the case of Spider-Man 3. If they do push ahead with an Amazing Spider-Man 3, what's the betting it's to introduce MJ so we never do see a second where Parker isn't relentlessly in a will they/won't they relationship?
Okay, maybe not THAT Mary Jane.
Look, I get it that Parker's miserable love-life is a staple of the character, but after five movies of watching Peter either struggling to get the girl, or having the girl then losing her, it's become very old. Movies such as Iron Man, Captain America 2, X-Men First Class and even GOTG have shown that a superhero movie doesn't need to shoehorn a romance for the sake of it. Those movies were supremely focused because of it. We haven't seen a minute of Peter Parker where he's not pining after a girl, or being sad about losing a girl, from the moment we open Spider-Man 1 to the moment we close on ASM2.
4: Make Peter Parker An Everyman
So aside from Mary Jane, Spider-Man's other defining trait is supposed to be that he's the everyman, he's one of us. He's not a billionaire or a mutant, any one of us could be bit by a spider and have the responsibility dropped on us. Right? Try telling the movies that, watching Sam Raimi's trilogy it's almost impossible to buy him as an 'everyman'. I get that you can take a leading Hollywood actor, slap some glasses on him and have him fall over as a lazy shotcut to "HE'S A NERD!" and I have to suspend my disbelief and take it. That's fine. But post-spider-bite?
Pictured: An Everyman
He's ripped as hell with perfect eyesight, he's got the super strength and super speed to dominate any sport or career he wants, even if he holds back. And while making his body super is a byproduct of his powers, he was already out of everyman status before he got bit. For example; he's also a super genius, but for some reason he can only get a steady job as a pizza delivery boy. His best friend is a billionaire, his girlfriend is a supermodel, and he has a job as a photographer for what is the Marvel equivalent of the New York Times. Clearly he's just an average joe.
We laugh at the scene where he's strutting down the street in Spider-Man 3, but that's actually the most realistic part of the movies to me. That's exactly how I'd walk down the street if I was exceptionally muscular genius working for the biggest newspaper in the world and going home to bone my supermodel wife.
What Would I Like To See In A Spider-Man Reboot?
1: Give Him An Ally.
He’s been doing his “it’s so hard to do this alone!” schtick for five movies now, giving him a heroic equal would let us see a different side to Spidey, the kind that goofs off with The Avengers and The X-Men. And instead of another movie about near-misses with his close ones almost discovering his secret identity, we’d actually get to see him bonding with someone who has the same problem, instead of just narrating about it. And there’s quite a precedent at the moment: The new X-Men are teaming up with the old X-Men, Batman is finally in a movie with Superman, Captain America’s taking on Iron Man, and… and Spider-Man is doing the same shit he was doing 12 years ago.
2: No Villain Backstory.
Seriously, I’ve sat through 8 villain origin stories, which averages out to 1.6 villain backstories per movie. Sony believes that we won’t care about the villain unless we see him being normal for at least a third of the movie, then tragically get caught up in a science experiment and suddenly want to kill Parker. You know what we haven’t seen? A villain who just shows up already complete, and is someone that’s not being shoved down our throats as a sympathetic character. Some of you may say that Rhino counts as he was just evil for the sake of it, but Rhino barely counts as a villain as much as Batroc did in The Winter Soldier. Except Batroc was badass.
Have Kraven be flown in by Oscorp to take care of their Spidey problem, or something. Or have Mysterio just show up comitting crimes because he wants money, just don't force us to watch an hour of Quinten Beck struggling financially before he decides to take up the mask and resort to a life of crime. If we can buy The Joker and Ronan despite never having to sit through their origins, there's no reason why it can't work for Spider-Man villains.
3. No Romance
Why not have a movie about developing Peter Parker, rather than developing Peter Parker's attempts to woo the utterly replaceable 'love of his life'? Captain America benefitted greatly from a solo movie that focused on him as a character, catapulting him to many people's favourite Avenger. Giving him a reboot without a civilian love interest would be something we've never seen before, ideal in a reboot situation.
What're your thoughts, people?