Superman Echols' Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

To be perfectly honest, I have struggled internally with how to go about reviewing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  On one hand, I’m a pure child of the 80’s, raised on ThunderCats, G.I. Joe, Transformers and Ninja Turtles (btw, someone make an awesome ThunderCats film, STAT!).  The idea of having them on the big screen again is enough to give any fan of the phrase “Cowabunga” a big goofy grin on their face.  The other part of me, the more cynical and dare I say, “adult” side, had some serious trepidations about a fairly unskilled director in Jonathan Liebesman and a producer (Michael Bay) who lives by the mantra “BIGGER IS BETTER”.  After leaving the screening last night with my 5 year old daughter karate-chopping the air in excitement, I began to realize something.  Rose-colored nostalgia glasses can only take a viewer so far.  At some point you realize, “Hey, this isn’t what I wanted to see at all”.  It’s that sentiment that I ultimately feel for this movie.  While the turtles themselves are handled well, just about everything around them is a mess of TGRI ooze seeping down the sewer drain.



Before giving the film a proverbial ninja kick to the throat, I will first give some praise where it is due, and that is to the characterization of the turtles and the animation bringing them to life.  Once the brothers are onscreen, it is a complete throwback to a plethora of incredible childhood memories.  Raph is angry, Leo is a born leader, Donny is a total geek with charm, and Mikey is the fun-loving jokester.  Their interaction with each other and various voice talents (Alan Ritchson, Johnny Knoxville, Jeremy Howard and Noel Fisher) all blend quite seamlessly, and you truly feel for the family bond they have with each other and their devoted father Splinter (an out of place voice casting of Tony Shalhoub- I always hear Antonio from "Wings").  Hats off to the team responsible for bringing them to life as well, as the turtles look astonishing, especially in some really impressive close-up shots.  Splinter’s animation doesn’t come off as flawlessly at all times, but the 4 brothers are an outstanding work of CG art over mo-cap performances.

If only the rest of the film was as impressive as the animation and characterization of the turtles.  Sadly, it is not…not by a long shot.  Bay’s influence is felt all over this script and production.  He obviously never grasped the concept of K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid) and feels the need to go over the top in every way possible(I know- you're as shocked as I was), with every character he comes across.  Let’s start with the depiction of the turtles themselves.  Why on God’s green earth did he ever feel the need to make ninjas into 6’5 bulletproof body builders?  Apparently our society is so obsessed with super heroes and super powers that we felt it was impossible to sell ninja turtles to children without making them look like mini-Hulk figures who THROW SHIPPING CRATES.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The first time the turtles are briefly seen onscreen, they literally throw a giant shipping crate against the Foot.  No lie.  These are ninjas on ‘roids people.
The Foot and Shredder don’t escape these senseless changes either.  For some reason ninjas just aren’t cool on their own anymore.  Now the Foot are more SWAT mercenaries than an actual martial arts clan, and Shredder is given the most ridiculous makeover of anyone.  He is now a literal Swiss Army knife, complete with blades that shoot out and come back to him upon command! (yep, that’ll sell a stupid toy I’m sure).  How anyone expects him to move half an inch in his new getup, let alone perform a round house kick in 2 tons of armor is beyond me.  An aside- I never once saw the classic cape Shredder always had in the comics and cartoons.  Even in the new toys and film's art designs you see a cape made of blades, but I don’t recall him ever wearing one….hmmm.
 
Alas, the designs of the characters are not perfect, but they at least excel in comparison to the writing.  Good Lord, whoever thought taking the  Amazing Spider-Man Screenwriting 101 class was a good idea deserves a katana blade upside the head.  This new entry decides that the classic turtles’ story was crap, and for some reason EVERY CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE has to be tied up in the same origin.  Additionally, Splinter now is no longer a rat student of a Ninjitsu master, or a human who knew Ninjitsu and became a rat via mutagen.  Nope, he just found a book laying around.  Oh yeah, that’s how they’re all so superbly skilled.  He found a book.  In a sewer.  Taught himself, and then the turtles.  Now they too can SWEEP THE LEG!  Go ahead…Face palms are acceptable here………………………

The plot is just about as dumb as those changes are, but maybe even more so as it has that over the top “bad dude has a machine that will destroy the city/world” vibe that hundreds of other films have done already, and in better fashion.  It makes little sense, but this is being sold purely to kids, so it really doesn’t have to.  
Not to slight the actors in the goofy plot, as Megan Fox (April), Will Arnett (Vern Fenwick) and William Fichtner (Eric Sacks) do perfectly acceptable jobs in their roles, it’s just that this is about turtles doing ninja, so the actors surrounding them aren’t really the focus, nor should they be.  The less said about the "story" overall, the better.  We'll move on.

Ultimately, what matters most is how the turtles are portrayed, and in that aspect, they’re done justice.  As a turtle fan, I loved every time they were onscreen.  Even though their fighting style is beefed up with their enhanced looks, they still use ninjitsu in battle, and are in shadow during a few of the fight scenes, so that’s a plus.  The characterizations of the guys are completely intact as well, so fans of the classic series will be thrilled to know that.  This just happens to be an example of really cool main characters surround by a moronic story with dumb production decisions.  It takes what could have been a stellar re-introduction of the TMNT to a new generation, and leaves you with a pretty bland taste in your mouth.  That’s just what I didn’t want from this though, for it just to be “okay”, but that’s truly what it is…Teenage Mediocre Ninja Turtles.

GRADE: