*Disclaimer* - Hello, my fellow geeks here on CBM! I'm new here. This is my first article. Although the subject material may be extremely controversial, I'm just trying to make a point about this movie. I don't want you to make judgments on me because of this one article. And yeah this is kind of a rebuttal to JoshW's "Why 'X-Men: First Class' Will Probably Be The Worst CBM Ever!"
So "The Avengers" is finally happening, if Thor and Captain America don't bomb at the box office. Well the point I'm trying to make is that Marvel is on such a pillar of greatness that it may only take one [crappy] film to bring this whole project crashing down...
...Which brings me to Thor.
Now, back when "Iron Man 2" came out, I heard about the after credit scene and that Thor might appear. I was so excited that I forced my friends to sit through the credits and then we saw it...
And we were all excited. I bought Matt Fraction's "Ages of Thunder" and I thought that was the movie that Kenneth Branagh had set out to make. Then they released the concept art, which made me less excited. Then it was reported that the Asgardians won't be gods, but beings from another dimension. From there my anticipation dropped completely. But it didn't turn into pure hatred until the very first still image with Thor, Odin, and Loki.
Which leads me to this blog post, and here's why I think Thor will suck more than all of the worst comic book movies (Wolverine, Hulk, Superman 4, Batman and Robin, etc.) put together!
1. Chris Hemsworth is Not a Good Actor.
Now I'll admit he was good in "Star Trek," but what has he done that made everyone else so convinced that he's the perfect Thor? Is it his work in "Ca$h?" "A Perfect Getaway?" "Home and Away?!" No, he has a hard time selling everyone on why he makes a decent Thor.
Which leads me to the clips of him in the Comic-Con trailer. His accent is just his normal Australian, and his line delivery makes him sound like some pompous child. The line that really just this stand out so clearly is when he and Odin were arguing and he screamed, "Well, you're an old man and a fool!" To me it sounded like a first grader trying to insult another kid. It was embarrassing.
But at least he isn't as bad as his little brother Liam (star of Miley Cyrus' "The Last Song," which sucks).
2. Kenneth Branagh's Vision for Thor.
While he may not be a very successful director, I generally like most of Kenneth Branagh's films. His undertaking this sounds to me like Ang Lee taking on Hulk or Gavin Hood attaching himself to Wolverine. An art film director with no experience making a big budget Hollywood movie, gets bullied by a big studio because the director doesn't know how to finagle his way around what the studio wants and thinks is right. Which is a shame, because Kenneth Branagh would've made a great Shakespearian and epic fantasy style Thor movie.
3. The Costumes (And Asgard in General) Look like SHIT!
What does this remind you of? Well does it remind you of this:
No? How about this:
Well heres what it reminds me of:
Yeah that's right, I went there. These costumes look so bad I thought they were sold at K-Mart. And the worst part about it is that it could've been more like this:
But instead, this happened:
And another thing, the hammer looks too puny:
It should be a bigger. It's Mjonlir, not a kid's toy.
4. Flash Gordon and the Masters of the Cheesiness.
Now back to this image:
Is it just me or does it look like Anthony Hopkins just saw Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings naked in the shower together?
Well it looks like no one will be taking this seriously. Oh great, now I can write this off even more. I don't have a lot to say on this, because it looks too Logan's Run futuristic and should be more like a used and beaten up world like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings.
5. Asgard Scenes are Sidelined for Earth Scenes.
Back to the Comic-Con trailer, whenever they showed Lady Sif, The Warriors Three, and Heimdall, they used nothing but quick cuts of scenes featuring them, which usually means they will barely show up in the film. Where have I seen this before? "Transformers 2." They advertised the cool robots in every trailer and TV spot. And who were the most prominent in the film? The new Jar-Jars, and the John Turturro idiots. If you look at it, they don't even speak in the trailer, which means they will have about two scenes (one in the beginning and one at the end).
6. Boring Action Scenes.
Along with the all the bad stuff I have said, what makes Thor look like such utter [trash] is the action scenes look so bland. Sure the Asgardian stuff looks a little cool but as previously mentioned, it doesn't really seem like there will be a lot. But what's the necessity for the double foot kick? Why does Thor need to do wrestler moves on S.H.I.E.L.D. agents?!? Is it because it's essential to the story? Or is it because they need to fill time with some [garbage].
7. No Donald Blake.
Although he seems like a worthless character, Donald Blake is essential to telling the story of Thor. By inhabiting Blake's body, Thor learns humility and the value of humble perseverance in dealing with his injured leg, and how he came to care for the sick and dying, first as a medical student, and later as a successful physician. But without Blake, it just sounds like Thor's learning humility will be lost in the "spectacle" and be given up for some Avengers whoring.
8. Space Pirates?!
So back to the extra terrestrial aspects of Thor, all I have to say is why? Thor is epic fantasy, not science fiction. It should be more like Lord of the Rings, and not like Flash Gordon! It just looks silly in the live action context, which is why out of all the characters to base off the Ultimate Universe version, Thor is one that should be avoided AT ALL COSTS!!!!
9. Thor (the Norse God) + Public Domain Laws = No Toys to Sell as Merchandising.
For those who don't know what public domain is, it's basically when the property rights of a cultural icon expire, everyone has the right to use said property without infringing on a copyright law. In turn, everyone is denied the ability to use said property for profit (unless it is a different version of the original property). Now Thor the Norse God may be under public domain, the Marvel version is not. And making it devoid of any qualities of the Asgardians' being gods simply because Marvel is afraid of copyright infringement is a very dumb idea,. Especially since Marvel's version of Thor is distinctly different from the Norse god in appearance alone, which is why all these problems pop up. You can have Thor be a Nordic God like he was in "Tales of Asgard," The only reason they made this mutilated version is so that Marvel can make merchandise for the film.
10. Four Words: Post Production 3D Conversion.
The new death mark of Hollywood has been stamped on this movie. Ever since the release of "Clash of the Titans" earlier this year, more and more films have been getting the post-production 3D conversion. What Hollywood doesn't realize is that unless you film a movie with a 3D camera, then the 3D will not work at all. When this was announced, Joe Johnston was very skeptical, and I applaud him for that. "I think [3-D] tends to be overused and can be a little bit gimmicky. A lot of people are using 3-D now because they feel have they have to ... that will come and go and the pictures that deserve to be in 3-D will continue to be. When it's done bad, it can make you carsick."
But Kenneth Branagh welcomed the idea with open arms: "We came to feel that in our case 3-D could be the very good friend of story and character for a different kind of experience.
"It's another draft of the story that can reveal itself in a different way," he said. "I had a healthy degree of skepticism up front ... I've become somebody extremely excited about working with possibilities of doing it this way.
"A pretty careful conversation is what we've been having for quite some time about what we know has to be the most sensible decision: Is it led by story? Can this offer a different type of experience and exploit what we have in the story? It absolutely can ... we travel very long distances in the movie and the opportunity to export and exploit the journey of the hero is really offered up as a great potential enhancement here."
Post production 3D is a very new technology and is a very new innovation. It will take around 20 years for it to be as good as filming in 3D. But as of right now, it's just a quick and easy way to make more money, and people are starting to catch on very quickly.
So how will this affect The Avengers? If it bombs, Marvel will stop coasting on their gravy train of success and realize that if they want to make huge amounts of money (i.e. the Avatar amounts of money that they are hoping to get) then Thor (or Captain America, but not both) bombing will make them realize that the next movie has to be way better because the people demand quality, not a shitty movie!