In a world full of remakes, reboots and re-rerere’s the next in line is the remake of the Arnold Schwarzenegger 80′s classic Conan the Barbarian. I had a choice to make this Monday. I had a choice between the supposedly delightful Paul Giamatti comedy Win Win and the action-packed blockbuster remake Conan the Barbarian. Judging by the title of the review and the very not Paul Giamatti man in the photo it’s quite obvious which film I chose. Don’t get me wrong, I have no preference for action-packed blockbusters by any means. In fact the decision came down to the question
“Which movie would I rather not pay money to see?”.
Conan the Barbarian tells the story of Conan (Jason Momoa), a barbarian born in the blood of battle and given life while his mother gave up hers. As a young boy, while being raised by his father (Ron Perlman) to be a strong warrior, his village is slaughtered by the evil Warlord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) over a bone fragment that is part of a magical Necromancer’s mask that will help him resurrect his dead sorceress wife. Years later, being the sole survivor of his village’s slaughter, Conan is all grown up, substantially more muscular and hunting Khalar down. Ignorant to Conan’s pursuit, Khalar is after the last ingredient to becoming a powerful necromancer, the ‘pure blood’ who happens to be a beautiful Monk named Tamara (Rachel Nichols). Helping him find Tamara is his creepy sorceress daughter Marique (Rose McGowan). Adventures and action ensue.
I’ve learnt in recent times that any movie that begins with a disembodied voice narrating back-story is probably not going to be great (*cough*Green Lantern*cough*). Sure, Lord of the Rings did it and it was awesome but I honestly can’t think of anything else since then that succeeded with this technique. It just seems like sloppy writing to me, if there’s back-story to tell then tell it through the narrative and the world you’re creating. Don’t just throw words at us that we don’t understand or give a shit about. The story of Conan the Barbarian was silly, sloppy and jumped all over the place. It was a nice world and could have been told much better but let’s face it, you’re probably not going to see Conan expecting Lord of the Rings. You’re going to see Conan expecting a shit-tonne of violence and maybe some boobs. Don’t worry people, it delivers on both counts. The action scenes were very well done and quite impressive and also quite ridiculous in parts (a horse-drawn carriage crashes in a way that would make Michael Bay proud) but it’s entertaining and I imagine that’s what most people who want to see this care about.
Jason Momoa as Conan, you ask? Can he possibly replace the beloved Arnie depiction? Well, I think he works. One of the best things about the movie is that he definitely looks and acts the part of a Barbarian. To me he was Conan. On the other hand the Villains all played out like caricatures of, well, Villains. Stephen Lang is a good actor, it’s disappointing that all he’s been given lately is two-dimensional villain characters. As for the other main baddie, Marique? I think the film-makers must have thought that if they slapped enough villainous make-up on Rose McGowan she wouldn’t actually have to act.
The visuals were fine, it made good use of relics and ruins to make you believe they were in some kind of Barbaric fantasy land. The 3-D was ok, it started off well but it got flat further into it. The best use of 3-D was in the credits. What is it with movies using 3-D badly in the actual film but then having great looking credit sequences? The main technical problem I had was with the audio. I’m not entirely sure if it was the Cinema I was in (it was a new V-Max) or a general fault with the film’s production but as stunted as I expect the dialogue was I actually couldn’t hear most of it. The score was so overpowering and so much action was going on that all the other sound drowned out most of the dialogue. It’s not just me getting old, either, I verified with others who saw the film. Couldn’t hear shit. Again, not that much of a problem if you’re just there for blood and tits.
Conan the Barbarian is everything you expected, but not much more. A basic plot, hard to hear audio and lack-lustre characters disappoint but it’s not too shabby on the action side of things. If you’re up for some good old Barbaric sword-swinging action then Conan is right up your…space between stick-huts.
I give this a “Tankard of Meh-ead”. It’s a dizzying brew that’s not very substantial but alright if you’re just out for a good time.
P.S. Conan the Barbarian: The Musical. That is all.