After all the vicious backlash over the "Mandarin with a twist", Kevin Feige probably told Shane Black and Drew Pearce to kiss a certain Ring, the one he does NOT wear on his hands, once he saw what they did to the Mandarin...and demanded a fix to the Mike Charlie Foxtrot!!!!
[SCENE: Kevin Feige, in his Marvel studios office, pacing up and down, with Drew Pearce and Shane Black on their knees with hands behind their heads, cowering on the carpet...]
FEIGE [raging]: "What the HELL did you do to THE MANDARIN???? Who the HELL do you think your work for?? Sony? FOX??? On your KNEES, you little clowns! Omigod, how the hell do we fix this??? Okay. Okay. Okay. BREATHE, Kevin...THINK! Okay. Okay. What the HELL is that smell? PEARCE? Did you? SEROIUSLY???? Omigod! This stench is even worse than your little "twist"!
FEIGE [Breathing heavily, on the point of hyperventilating]: "Okay. Okay. One point four billion dollars, just keep thinking one point four billion dollars. Calm. CALM. Ignore the calls from Esposito. Just IGNORE them!
FEIGE [Holds hands palm-down, practicing Tai-Chi]: "Dammit, you little shits. I got comic book fans from the 1960s crawling up my ASS with switchblades and iodine, we GOTTA fix this! YOU! Black! How do we fix this?"
BLACK [Stammers]: "Uuuuuuhhhhhhh, Sirrrr, we turn Trevor into Fin Fang Foom?"
FEIGE [Enraged]: "NOOOOO!!!!! GodDAMNit! You don't get the point! Do I have to call in Brett Snyder to feck it up even more??? Pearce! YOU!!!! Quit crapping your pants! I need ANSWERS, punk! IDEAS!"
PEARCE: "We get Thanos, dressed as a homeless guy in a wetsuit, caught in the middle of autoerotic asphyxiation for profit, and he turns out to actually be a cross-dressing lesbian from Toledo with a fixation for Rogue..."
FEIGE: *slap! slap!!!* "GodDAMMIT! You little BITCH! You KNOW we don't have the rights to the X-Men in the movie world! Try again! Think HARDER, Pearce!!!"
PEARCE: *whimpers* "Okay, OKAY! SIR! MISTER Feige! I try's and be's REEEEAAAAAL god f'um now on, suh! How 'bouts we go wif' Missuh Trevuh into de PRISON! And den he be po-teck-ted by a BIG bruthah, whi respeck hims f'um his crim'nul per-SWAY-shun!"
FEIGE [Calming down, sitting down slowly in executive chair behind his desk]: "You still ain't sold me. Keep talking." *Fingers Cat 'O Nine Tails*
PEARCE [glancing sideways to Black's punctuational nods in approval as he expounds]: "YAS-suh! He struts 'roun de mess hall, have hims a face-down wif some white suprem'cist, you know, creepin' all up in his grille, mean-muggin' him, 'den he goes him back to him's PRIME cell, an' some reporter type plays like he axin' him kurstions 'bout bein' de MAN-jrin, den de reportah dude bus'es him out, and drags his ass to de REAL Man-jrin, and Justin Hammer, he playin' wif his bitch in de KAWN-duh!"
FEIGE: *Puts down the Cat'O Nine Tails* "Okay, you little bitches. Change your underwear, and get to work. And NEXT time you work on a Marvel Studios movie, if EVER, make DAMN sure you check with Head Office FIRST. Capiche? 'Cause you cause me another tempest with the comic fans pissed off because you changed a major supervillain into a joke, like those little WORMS did turning Galactus into a fart-cloud, it won't matter HOW much you make for us! And you know what happens when you f*ck with supervillains while under contract to Marvel...STUDIOS!!!!"
BLACK and PEARCE [in unison]: "Yassuh! We's be's workin' for Wawnah Bruthahs!"
Feige: *snorts* "Yup. Now, get to work, bitches. [Unzips pants] Get on your knees, kiss THE Ring, and FIX THIS FANBOY CLUSTERF*CK!!!!"
*Black and Pearce scuttle out of Feige's office and create "All Hail the King"*
Hope you enjoyed the little play!