Your Worst Theatrical Experience
I usually try to deconstruct the genre in my articles, and they can sometimes reach 6,000 words before I edit them down. I thought I'd take a break from that.
This should be something we can all get behind. No debates needed, although perhaps our definitions of ideal vary - here I am to discuss what has undoubtedly happened to everyone.
Someone managed to wreck your movie.
I've been a movie-goer all my life, and I suppose it runs in the family. My first theatrical experience was "Batman Returns", and it was probably the best ever. Back then, I was 5 years old, and didn't understand much of anything going on. It was the premiere, the lines were out into the parking lot to a theater that sadly doesn't exist any longer. I'm sure a lot of people were dressed up for it, but I wasn't paying attention to it. We sat in the auditorium and you know how it is when you're a kid - everything seems like it's taking FOR-FREAKIN-EVER. Well before the show started, the theater brought out Batman. If I was older, it might have been someone in a suit working for the Mission Bell Square Theatre, but at that age I knew - it was Batman. And he had prizes for people who answered trivia questions. My brother and I didn't win, but we didn't care - Batman was there.
So that was the best memory lane had for me. My family raised my siblings and me to respect the movie theater. Like all kids, I could be a regular demon, but inside the auditorium, I wouldn't DARE pester my older brother or little sister, and sometimes my mouth would just be magically sealed shut by the potential risk of parental discipline. It's just a sacred rule: you do not disrupt the movie experience. Make sure you go to the bathroom beforehand. Oh my God, I was so ashamed with myself the first time I had to get up and go in the middle of a showing. I felt like something would happen, not just in the movie, but maybe I wouldn't be allowed back in the auditorium. When I see people get up and go in the middle of an action scene, to this very day, I can't help but shake my head. I honestly didn't drink ANYTHING May 4th, 2012 for fear that I'd miss out. I took the day off work (even though I would have likely got off long before 7pm) and bought the tickets a few hours in advance. No point in getting there just to be turned away because it's all sold out, right?
When Man of Steel premièred, there was this kid wearing a Superman costume, complete with a cape. Me being me, I wore a green dress shirt, a red tie, and navy slacks. If I had a navy coat, I'd have worn it too. But since I wear my hear the same way and have thick black framed glasses, I suppose I fit the bill. His mother told me I was Clark Kent. I think this boy was probably the same age as me when I saw Batman Returns, 5 years-old. While in line, the mother relayed the message to me, and asked me if I'd be kind enough to get a picture with her son. How could I say no? He didn't say one word to me. He was just smiling, ear to ear.
Now here's what I cannot stand.
1. Cellphones You might as well pull your pants down and take a dump right there in the theater as far as I'm concerned (please don't). The glow of the screen is bad enough, but to keep at it just seems insulting. Not just insulting to the viewers trying to focus on the screen, but the actual production. Now sure, they got your money already, but to me you're projecting the message that the actors that I've been admiring just aren't good enough for your attention. Of course, when it gets out of hand and people actually answer their phones (or worse, let it ring and ring and ring..... and THEN answer it) - you just want to throw something at the culprit. I
used to, but management told me I'm not allowed to throw pennies at their patrons.
2. Loud Conversation I'm a manager at McDonald's. I speak drive-thru, which means I have to have good hearing. So maybe I hear some things that are meant to be whispered, but that really doesn't matter to me. I'm still hearing it. But that aside, when I can't hear the movie over you recalling some experience comparable to the movie's events - we've got a problem. Right back to the point about disrespecting the production, you're going to miss out on dialogue as well as force the surrounding audience to miss out on it as well... because you can't keep your mouth shut.
3. Kids Who Can't Sit Still Oh man. You feel like you're a part of a horror/slasher film. Suddenly there's a not-so-soft patter of feet running right behind your head, and it ain't coming from the speakers. You turn around and see these kids flying across the auditorium chasing each other. Cue the chorus of angry patrons telling them to stop, and perhaps a parent will stand up and order them to sit down... but all too often I think the parent is just too damn embarrassed or doesn't really care - and sits quietly. And just when it gets quiet and you think they're gone or settled down.... there go the feet.
Now sometimes, the audience is a bunch of angels, and it's the theater that drops the ball. Maybe some attendants directly outside are having a conversation loudly for all to hear while the movie is starting. Maybe the movie takes forever to start. Maybe the sound is really bad and there's this low hum and bass that gives you a headache. Maybe the floors are real sticky and gross. Maybe there's a huge stain on the silver screen. Any one of those things can kill it.
So here goes.
Silent Hill. My best friend had played some of the games, I had not. It was his birthday and we were gonna go out and see this movie. I was 18, he was 17. I had my Driver's License, he did not. I bought the tickets of course, and when we got to the auditorium entrance, everyone who looked a certain age was to be carded. My pal didn't have ID, so he couldn't see it. We went to the service desk, and they just quoted procedure and offered me a refund, which I took. "What now?" Esteban asks. I tell him we're gonna see this movie no matter what. I had NO idea what content was there, whether it'd be good or not, hell I didn't know what it was about. Anyway, we check movie times and find the next available theater. We get there, and it's the same deal. Now to make a long story short, this wasn't REALLY the movie theaters' fault, and who the hell am I to judge any of them when I'm such a stickler for rules and etiquette? We finally made it, because his parents showed up and saw the movie with us. Like me, his parents had no idea what to expect, and even brought Esteban's little 8 year-old brother with them. Oh, and did I mention, these same parents wouldn't let Esteban go see Hellboy with me because of the title? Yeah, that's what we were dealing with. Freaking nightmare. I thought they'd never trust me with their son again, but I guess they realized I was in the dark as they were, although I'm nowhere near as restrictive.
Let's hear it from you guys? What do you love about the movie theater? What makes you keen on shelling out your hard-earned cash for it? And what's the single-worst experience you've ever had?