Easily parked among the worst titles in 2013 this action pic skids into homes. Earlier in the year Ethan Hawke drew raves for his performance in
Before Midnight; here he draws flies. He gets teamed with Selena Gomez who displays one emotion; a petulant pout, as though she was told there were no gummi bears for her Fro-Yo.
This is directed by Courtney Solomon, a director with a unique distinction: his movies have never made $15 million, nor scored 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Let’s get this traffic fatality on the examination table and find out what led to a speedy death.
00:01:01 Chronicle Seizure A close-up on a boot as it walks into an apartment. The scene is intercut with black and white inserts of a woman's kidnapping. A Christmas tree is toppled and glass ornaments are shattered all around.
This was a Labor Day release.
00:02:15 Visual Adrenal Infusion Now a slow pan on the movie’s star – a Ford Mustang-Shelby Cobra GT 500 SVT. The engine revs and we are off. Following a minute of production cards means the car chase begins in less than 90 seconds.
00:03:23 Plot Stimulant The car breaks out of a parking garage and instantly the police begin pursuit . . . because, why? During the chase we hear a thick German accent on a phone. The Voice instructed our hero to steal this particular car.
Dere are cameras inz-talled on de in-zide, and out-zide of zis vehicle.” By my count it is 5 in the cabin, and at least 14 mounted on the exterior. The battery will be severely tested in this film.
00:04:19 Invasive Pathos The Voice details how he kidnapped the man’s wife, and if he wants her back he needs to follow directions. Our hero is a former NASCAR racer. Ethan Hawke makes no attempt at a North Carolina accent.
00:06:12 Irregular Plot Beat This is shaping up to be a film to catalogue statistics. Before the main credits have rolled already a handful of cop cars are destroyed, and we have been served 10 shots of the boots operating the pedals.
00:07:28 Exploratory Story Incision Our “hero” is Brent Magna, and he receives another call from The Voice. He is told the car was designed especially for him; armored, it is to be used for a number of tasks. Should he fail, or become arrested, his wife dies.
So far ALL of this sounds perfectly logical.
00:08:57 Locale Anesthesia The setting is Sofia, Bulgaria. Why is a stock car driver working there, aside from favorable tax laws and labor costs for the film production? That point is not addressed.
00:10:57 Cranial Atrophy Brent Magna is instructed to drive through a city park filled with people and holiday decorations. He is told to drive over the displays, knock down a performance stage, drive across an ice skating rink, and then through a train station. The end result of completing this first task?
Well – nothing was actually accomplished.
00:12:42 Ruptured Optics One of the on-board cameras does not capture Ethan’s good side.
00:14:26 Septic Introduction While parked in a garage Selena Gomez arrives, gun drawn on Brent Magna. Once she’s disarmed The Voice instructs him to drive away. This charisma vacuum of a film has now had even more life sucked out of it.
00:15:53 Cauterized Plot Cavity Brent Magna is instructed to shoot the girl, or his wife dies. After moments with the gun aimed he declares he won’t, because he is not a killer. Eventually The Voice proclaims, "
It’s the right choice – you’ll need her.”
And, what if he had shot her?! Seriously, is EVERYTHING in this fiasco going to be arbitrary and senseless?!
00:18:38 Continuity Failure After another escape from the police Selena informs that she wasn’t trying to steal this car, because it is actually hers. So that whole customized claim earlier was bogus crap -- there I am, expecting honesty from a European kidnapper.
00:28:04 Editing Arrythmia Following another violently pointless “task” Selena takes out her phone to snap a few pics.
EXCEPT: Minutes earlier we watched Brent Magna snatch her phone and toss it out his window.
00:29:46 Blunt Force Dialogue Using her iPad Selena, in the matter of seconds, was able to patch into the camera system, grasp they are on an encrypted feed, and determine they are broadcast on a government server. Her explanation:
THE KID:
I know what I’m doing. See, I went to school, and I know things.” 00:34:03 Depleted Character Concentration During a lull Brent Magna explains how he got into the driver-for-hire game. He was a professional racer for a few weeks, and then he “washed out”. Asked to explain how he washed-out he details thusly:
BRENT MAGNA: (shrugs)
I dunno – I just did. And there you have it; his backstory. Explaining that he fell off the pro circuit he says this was the only thing he was ever good at.
Um, except you just explained how you were NOT good at it. Seriously, this movie has NO idea what it is doing.
00:37:14 Plot Stimulant The next task is to find a flash stick behind the visor and drive to the local power plant. Arriving Brent Magna declares, “
It looks like they’ve already been here.” What that statement is based upon is entirely our guess.
00:39:47 Visual Adrenal Infusion All the car-nage needs to be broken up with other excitement, so after installing the flash drive the entire power plant blows into a fireball.
Hand it to The Voice; his devious plot is so tightly planned it consistently allows for Brent Magna to have last-second escapes.
00:40:50 Continuity Failure Want a reason for all the police crashes? How about their vehicles being unmanned.
00:45:29 Iatrogenic Direction This Shelby Cobra we now learn has mystical properties. Backed into a dark corner of a garage they evade detection as the snooping police shine a spotlight into the crevice and see no car.
00:47:55 Plot Stimulant During more chase scenes we get a crap-ton of exposition explaining the idiocy. The Voice wanted Selena all along because her father runs an investment bank. The power outage provoked transferring of bank files carrying billions in dirty money to a secure location, and Brent Magna’s antics have led to road closures making for a one way escape route from the city.
NOW it all makes sense.
00:51:06 Cliché Malignancy By now director Solomon has failed at his own devices, so why not steal from others? He has Selena the savant tap into the camera feed and play a video loop to fool The Voice, the same trick executed in
Speed.
00:54:35 Cranial Atrophy At the bank we see two dozen police cars (those not already totaled) are positioned for the transfer – so of course the transfer takes place in the parking garage next door, where no police are stationed. Five motorcycle gunmen approach and attack the security van, their bikes outfitted with LED lighting under the farings, which shouldn’t attract any attention.
00:55:43 Invasive Pathos Brent Magna and Selena get ahold of the transfer box with the codes, because they managed to sneak up in the Shelby Cobra. Good thing the mercenaries exhibit the same level of questionable security as the police.
01:00:00 Chronicle Seizure Feels like I could use an intermission as a relief from the tedium, but considering we are still driving I guess what I need is a rest stop.
01:01:07 Depleted Character Concentration I’ve been using Selena’s name because there was no mention of her having a designation. Turning to Brent Magna she says,
”You don’t even know my name, do you?” He says, "
No", and she shakes her head; end scene.
I had to look it up. Sure enough, her character is simply referred to as “The Kid”.
01:03:44 Iatrogenic Direction While cruising they get surprised by a motorcycle henchman with an automatic weapon. In an exceedingly dumb movie this leads to the dumbest overall scene. In order:
• Upon firing at them The Kid felt the need to tell Brent Magna,
”GO!!!” (I suppose otherwise he would not have tried to escape.)
• They get routed through a train depot, racing onto a platform and crashing through 4 different pallets of products without slowing down.
• With one hand the motorcyclist has fired roughly 300 rounds from his gun without reloading.
• All 300 rounds have missed or had zero effect on the car.
• Under speed Brent Magna grabs the pistol and hits the rider with his first shot.
• The motorcyclist crashes into what must be warheads, setting off a chain reaction of explosions, destroying the entire depot as the car barely escapes.
01:06:07 Arrested Physics A meetup is arranged at a hanger to retrieve Mrs. Brent Magna. Prior to this The Kid kneels down to fiddle with the camera mounted on the front grill. This camera has remained in place, and is somehow operational, after half a dozen head-on collisions, and smashing numerous obstacles.
01:06:08 Technologic Thrombosis And now supposedly The Kid manipulated the camera so the signal is being sent directly to police headquarters.
More ridiculous – the feed has somehow acquired a chyron as well.
01:09:49 Invasive Pathos After transferring the files the henchmen almost shoot Brent Magna, but the police storm in. The Kid is tossed into an SUV which escapes, and Brent Magna tells his wife – after a 30 second reunion - that he has to go after her.
Because, we haven’t had car action in nearly 3.5 minutes.
01:16:16 Continuity Failure The signature scene of the film is an enjoyable chase, an uncut shot from the front of the Shelby throughout the city. Even this manages to be butchered by Solomon, as the chase begins at night and just a few miles later it culminates in daylight.
01:20:10 Collapsed Climax The chase ends in a crash, the police arrive and pull the bad guy from the SUV, supposedly a happy ending.
Except! A phone in the pocket of Mrs. Brent Magna rings, and The Voice comes on to speak to Brent Magna, explaining the whole affair.
01:20:12 Continuity Failure Yea, EXCEPT--
Throughout the car chase we heard The Kid speaking to the driver, and it was The Voice behind the wheel. Oops, so much for your plot twist.
01:21:54 Septic Introduction The final shot of the movie was of The Voice, walking out of an exclusive nightclub where he’d been orchestrating all of his villainy from a series of laptops. We see it was Jon Voight; so they paid to have the star speak in a thick German accent and show his face for the last 2 seconds.
POST MORTEM So, between the plot holes, the pedantic chases and numerous physical impossibilities we managed to have an action film that was a complete disaster. Nothing left to do but tally up the stats. (These are minimum estimates, your mileage may vary):
CAR CRASHES – 43
MOTORCYCLE CRASHES – 6
CRASHES INVOLVING POLICE – 15
CRASHES INVOLVING POLICE MOTORCYCLE – 1
CARS LAUNCHED INTO AIR VIA PIPE-RAMPS – 6
HEAD-ON COLLISIONS MADE BY MUSTANG SHELBY – 10
HEADLIGHTS OF SHELBY DAMAGED IN COLLISIONS – Zero
SHOTS OF BRENT MAGNA’S BOOTS OPERATING PEDALS -- 37