Batman and Robin: It is a name that inspires anger, rage, frustration, and sometimes even tears from most Batman fans. I myself hated the living crap out of that movie. But, as I was looking up movies in Blockbuster for movie night with my bride-to-be, I stumbled upon Batman and Robin and read the back of it. Obviously, the description of the movie upped the hell out of it, but I realized that the whole concept of the movie wasn’t that bad. I mean, yes, a giant freezing gun is REALLY over the top and childish, but it wasn’t BAD. Batman Forever was goofy and childish, but I still liked it (Come on, that opening speech by Two-Face was awesome). And now I’m going to discuss everything that could’ve gone RIGHT with Batman and Robin.
The Opening Sequence: Ok, you seriously have a lot of problems if there’s a problem with the opening sequence. Besides the good score (not great like Danny Elfman’s but not bad by any stretch of the imagination), the opening sequence was annoying. Did that zooming or whatever of all the actors’ names annoy anyone else? And why was AH-nold’s name before George Clooney’s? I hated that Jack Nicholson’s was put in front of Michael Keaton’s in Batman, but at least it made sense as Nicholson worked much more with his considerable amount of more screen time. But AH-nold’s before Clooney’s? That’s just relying on star power to attract the audience. They should’ve put Clooney before Arnold, and stopped that stupid zooming of the names and just went with a regular, not bullcrap intro.
That Goddamn Joke at the Beginning: Ok, so the Bat-Tits and the Bat-Crotches I can choke down, but really? “This is why Superman works alone?” Ok, so in Steel (CURSE YOU SHAQ!) they mentioned the Batcave, I can live with that, and in Batman Forever they make an actually pretty clever reference to Metropolis, but that doesn’t mean you should just blatantly spell it out. They might as well have just bashed the audience with a “WE”VE GOT CONTINUITY!” sign as they entered the theatre. So Step 2: TAKE OUT THAT STUPID REFERENCE! WE KNOW SUPERMAN EXISTS; YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR US.
Mr. Freeze’s Damn Ice Jokes: Okay so “I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy” was fine, “The Iceman Cometh!” was…bearable. But every joke after that… “Let’s kick some ice”…was BULLSHIT! Mr. Freeze is an unforgiving son of a bitch, not some wise cracking happy meal toy. Word of advice: DROP THOSE DAMN ICE JOKES, except for the one about mercy; that was ok.
Bane: [PUNSIHER MAX IS NOT AVAILABLE TO TYPE THIS SECTION OF THIS EDITORIAL. HE IS CURRENTLY BEING PACIFIED FOR REASONS OF EXTREME RAGE AND AGRESSION TOWARDS HIS KEYBOARD, RESULTING IN 58 TYPINGS OF THE PHRASE “YOU UNFAITHFUL-TO-THE-COMIC-BOOKS ASSHOLE”. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.]
Batgirl: In Batman Forever, Dick Grayson, before he put on the mantle of Robin officially, served an importance to the plot. But what importance to the plot did Batgirl serve in a movie called Batman and Robin? Any? If you’re going to put in a new character how about you actually make that character matter? AT ALL!!!!
I need to lie down; all this anger is giving me a headache. I’ll upload a part 2 sometime this week. Comments are appreciated.
And BTW for those of you who have been following my new story EMPEROR, I am going to be uploading 2 Chapters in fan fic sometime this week, and if you haven’t read it feel free to look it up on my page and leave a comment!
Until Next Time…
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