Many agree that 2013 has been one of the best years for high quality movies in years. And yet as grand as the rollout has been over the past 12 months there has been an impressive amount of misfires as well. In fact, so voluminous were the low quality releases the titles comprising the residue at the bottom of the calendar can be grouped into a number of classifications.
So, to begin this rundown of the run down titles we’ll first go with a few sub-categories.
The Regressive Retreads Given the history of deplorable second efforts it stands to reason they could be lumped into one . . er, lump – to make my own sequel.
Adam Sandler surprised many when he announced he would make
Grown Ups 2, his first ever sequel. The surprise should have been the original barely had a plot let alone any unresolved story points, and this was even more absent of a storyline. It was inevitable
The Hangover 3 would get made, and probably more inevitable that it would be a supreme disappointment, especially since there was not even a hangover to be had. Three years ago Lionsgate delivered what they promised was the LAST exorcism, but CBS Films made them liars, delivering
The Last Exorcism 2 last March to very little interest. How can you measure how poor a job Robert Rodriguez did with his revisitation to a character in
Machete Kills? When Sofia Vergara in a double-barreled bustier does not draw a crowd something is very wrong. Sony tried to draw with
The Smurfs 2 this summer and it drew exactly ½ of the money as the original. International returns however were massive and a third is looming in the future.
Spoof Goes The Dynamite Making fun of a one-note franchise like
Paranormal activity means
A Haunted House was a one-joke movie. As unfunny as it turned out, earning $40 million off of a 42.5 million budget means more are on the way. Why would the unseen
InAPPropriate Comedy compete for the worst title of the year? Painfully unfunny sketches with Lindsay Lohan in a format aligned like iPad applications and directed by Vince “The Sham-Wow Guy” Offer should say it all. And that film may be the only reason
Movie 43 is not considered the worst thing in theaters. Being the second worst though is hardly bragging material (though fulfilling the fans’ desire to see Hugh Jackman with testicles on his chin may be). Making far less than the prior entries
Scary Movie 5 may hopefully be the end, scary as it is to consider half a dozen in the franchise. The popularity of the source material makes the arrival of
The Starving Games inevitable, just as any release by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer being painfully unfunny is also inevitable.
Geri-action Films I guess we can blame
The Untouchables for making Sylvester Stallone and the other aged heroes think they were still a draw.
As bad as Bruce Willis delivered in his last attempt somehow
A Good Day To Die Hard was even more laughable, and disappointing. Nobody was tempted by
Bullet To The Head, even though the title the climax featured . . . not a gunfight but a fireaxe combat. And the first time teaming of Stallone with Arnold Schwarzenegger in
The Escape Plan interested few people; but that was little surprise since Arnold failed to attract anyone to see
The Last Stand in January. And to close the year of desperation Stallone and Robert DiNiro both went back to their boxing years in
The Grudge Match, proving the only people interested in seeing 60 year olds fighting were the crowds shown in the movie.
Profits Were a CGI Fantasy If it was not
The Hunger Games simply filling the screen with computer graphics proved to be far from enough to garner a widespread reaction.
The controversy ahead of
Ender’s Game proved to be more dramatic than the flashy film itself. Stephanie Meyer had her first work away from vampires,
The Host, on screens and haters of her melodramatics now look at her
Twilight series surprised something could be dumber. The arrival of the computer-choked images of
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones showed ironically those bones lacked teeth, and
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters also had poor page to screen problems. The animated
Walking With Dinosaurs promised an immersive, realistic environment involving thunder lizards, then delivered a group that could talk, often discussing farts and fecal matter.
So with categorization out of the way what is left? Well, quite an impressive pile of misfits, castoffs, bombs, duds, and/or any other negative classification that may apply. Tread lightly moving forward. You may want to wear some protective eyewear in case of flying shards of Keanus, and maybe consider body armor to keep from getting impaled by Ryan Reynolds shrapnel. Govern yourself accordingly.
47 RONIN Supremely overlooked as possibly the biggest bomb of the entire year, Universal seemed to be unable to know what to do with this property that was oft-delayed and wildly over budget. It arrived on Christmas day with the barest of promotional pushes, so I guess with everyone running around with visions of sugar plums they failed to notice this cost $175-200
MILLION, before any marketing money is tallied, and to date it has grossed below $35 million.
AFTER EARTH Will Smith’s not-Scientology tale was initially of interest – but then people saw it and the laughter began. His kid Jaden is given ample screen time, and scenes of him talking with a giant bird are more ridiculous than that reads. People were dismayed later when the younger Smith sent out bizarre anti-school messages on Twitter, but I think they were simply a diversionary tactic. Hey, it got people to stop talking about this mess, didn’t it?
BIG WEDDING It had a big cast.
It had a big(ish) budget.
It had a big opening date, on the threshold of summer.
And in keeping with that theme, it was a big mess, and its box office draw was a big disappointment (however its Rotten Tomatoes score was tiny -- 7%).
FREE BIRDS The premise was hard to swallow, even for a kid-based animation lark. Turkeys travel back in time in an effort to have their species removed as the choice for Thanksgiving meals. This film took product placement to obscene levels when, after creating havoc and threatening the very future of the country, all problems were solved AND the turkeys avoided an annual gustatory fate, when they have Chuck E. Cheese pizzas delivered to the Pilgrims.
Yea, that happened.
GETAWAY Little more than a credits-to-credits car chase, what scant plot existed involved us believing Selena Gomez as a computer savant. This featured endless car porn with nearly perpetual driving, and yet the film went absolutely nowhere. Star Ethan Hawke’s character Brent Magna was such a void that he literally was upstaged by the Shelby Cobra he drove throughout.
HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS Another CGI nightmare that was so choked with computer imagery audiences could have the Heimlich performed and they would cough up a flash drive. The plot was ludicrous, Jeremy Renner was given little to do but look embarassed, and Famke Jannsen had her good looks buried beneath witch makeup. The leather and cleavage only go so far to spackle over plot holes, and the use of contemporary language made it seem more like a spoof play than a period piece.
THE INTERNSHIP The reteaming Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson had many excited at the chance of
Wedding Crashers hilarity; so why did they end up in a film that was supremely lacking in humor? Furthering the incompetence Vince & Owen get their Harold & Kumar on, using an entire film to pimp for Google. The purpose was to show what a wonderfully fun and futuristic-thinking company it is, but unironically the film was an unenjoyable bore and retrograde in its execution.
JACK THE GIANT SLAYER The years waiting for
Jack The Giant Slayer were for good reason as it proved to be made for bad reasons. The only thing more monstrous than the characters was the budget – it swelled to a behemoth $200 million. The early speculation that this was going to be a misfire was basically confirmed when Warners decided its expensive fantasy epic would not get a summertime release but instead bow on March 1.
THE LONE RANGER This was the most notable non-starter of the year. Even while others went on to become bigger losers Disney distinguished itself with a property that seemed to be a misfire from the concept stage. Rhetorical questions surrounded this throughout its fabled production problems; “
They really think people will see this?!
It’s starring who?!
Johnny Depp is wearing WHAT on his head?!?!” ect. The few hipster contrarians who have come out in defense are being ignored the same way as the film.
PARANOIA This movie seemed to rise out of nowhere and got a significant marketing push for the post-summer dumping ground of the calendar – and nobody went to see it. It opened on 2,500 screens and managed to not even land in the Top-10 for the weekend. From that anemic level it fell a stunning 61%, and by just week #3 the studio gave up and dumped over 2,000 screens. To date only three reviewers worth any credibility have given it a tepidly positive review.
R.I.P.D. This was my #1 Bomb of the summer ( http://www.comicbookmovie.com/fansites/TheMovieLounge/news/?a=86446 ) and for numerous reasons. A supreme disappointment in the translation from the book it also was a major money drain. Estimate at least $150 million out of pocket for the studio with budget and marketing and it grossed -50% return. Net revenue is even lower, so all you will hear from Universal is
Despicable-Furious talk regarding their year.
RUNNER, RUNNER Quick question: Do you know anyone who knows anything about this film that went nowhere in October? You might expect a film starring Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck, along with Gemma Arterton to pull some interest. Add in Leonardo DiCaprio as a producer, give it a wide release, and you should be able to get
some notice. Nope. Not only did it fail to reach $20 million after nearly 2 months, it landed in the top-20 of worst debuts with a 3,000 screen opening -- of all time.
WHITEHOUSE DOWN Positioned as one of the can’t-miss hits of the summer it managed to miss by a wide margin. Impressive cast, even more impressive budget, and the dependable Roland Emmerich behind its creation, yet in a very crowded summer this film could not find an audience. It only managed to draw half of its $150 million price tag.