We all know Star Wars. Whether you know it as "those guys with strip-lights and dressing gowns" or whether you know all the intricacies of Lord Vitiate's rise to a 1000 year+ reign as Emperor in the Old Republic, Star Wars is in your life. The original trilogy was and still is one of THE best trilogies ever conceived. Yes, there are mistakes, some dialogue is cringe worthy and some of the characters would have been best left out, but the movies created something much larger than the sum of their parts. No one can really put their finger on what it is with 100% certainty, but a mythology had been created and that became a religion (even if the British census refused to acknowledge it). Then Mr Lucas decided to expand and a divide was created. So what happened with the prequels? Lets take a look...
The Phantom Menace came along and all looked good. We were set to learn the origin of one of the greatest villains ever to grace the screen. The story was something we had been longing for, the cast seemed impressive with a mix of seasoned and up-coming acting talent and the modern FX promised to enhance the experience to fully immerse our minds in the Star Wars world. But it didn't quite happen like that.
Firstly, George Lucas lost himself in the possibilities and resources available to him. The world he created just didn't tie in with the world it was to become. The sleek star ships really didn't look right when their future counterparts were to be the block ridden crafts we knew and loved. "This was the republic at the height of their decadence and the future ships were built at a time of war" was the general explanation given but it didn't wash. Sure, it sounded viable enough on the surface but the time difference between these movies isn't that far! When the wars started in the Middle East did all our cars suddenly go to the scrap yard to be replaced with inferior models? No, this was the first hint that something was out place.
Then there's the droids. A robot army, programmed with the very best tactical software and targeting systems for maximum efficiency in times of war. Er, not quite. Whoever programmed these idiots must have loaded the "Forest Gump" personality chip and with no humanity to save them, they went full retard. And we all know, "You never go full retard!" This one detail infuriates me more than you could possibly imagine! It makes no sense what so ever! Why manufacture a droid army by the millions and not programme them to be any good? It's like buying a fleet of Ferrari's and fitting shopping trolly casters on them! Yes, R2D2 had his own loveable personality but this had developed because his owners constantly refused to wipe his memory, which was a regular thing for all other robots to stop personalities developing. But even with his quirks, he could still perform any one of his tasks to the standards he was programmed for. These "war" droids bumbled around like a million strong Mr Bean army with no skill, no function and no point! This is more than an annoying character, this is a whole concept meant to be a linchpin for all three prequels, the very reason for events to spiral into chaos allowing the Empire to rise, and Lucas got it WRONG!!
Speaking of annoying characters, Jar Jar Binks. He was the scapegoat for much of the movies failings. Yes, I hated him. He was an irritation like a bleach soaked crotch (let's never do that again teabag) but he was a simple and honest mistake. You can never get it right 100% of the time and George Lucas is only human. He wanted a character for the kids, unfortunately it was a swing and a miss. But at least George had the sense to recognise his mistake (something he's failed in every other area) and push him into the background for the other movies.
There was one large, pathetic and unneeded concept in this movie. Anakin's Christ like conception was a little too much to bare. Why? Why do it George? There was no reason! Want to add mystery to who his father was? Easy, make his mother sketchy on the details. Drop hints of a Jedi or Sith who clearly used their mind tricks on her. She remembers a charismatic robed figure yet doesn't remember any more details when she feels like she should. The holy conception was a sickening, pompous detail Lucas must have come up with after giving himself head.
Then came the movies saving grace and final nail in the coffin, wrapped in one character. Dearth Maul came into the movie to be met with cheers on all sides. Here was a villain to rival Vader. He was mysterious, looked bad ass and had a fighting style that brought out the giddy child in us all. Then there was his lightsaber, George Lucas really pulled one out the bag when he invented the lightsaber. The sword and laser combined into one glorious weapon resounded with all men on a primal and child level. Then what? He only gave Darth Maul a double bladed one! The fact he was able to wield this weapon and not file a report to "injury lawyers 4 u" was a testament to his skill. He exploded onto the screen but like all explosions, it didn't last. The one character we truly felt invested in, intrigued by, the one we hoped to follow through the trilogy was killed prematurely.
If anyone felt let down by Phantom Menace, it was nothing compared to the next chapter. Personally this is by far the worst of the three, despite an exciting finale. If George lost himself in the unlimited resources he had for Episode 1, he lost himself up his own ass for this outing! We had a full two hours of nothing but over political boredom and vomit inducing dialogue.
After seeing Anakin as a disappointing lost child we were promised a look at the character as he grew in power and uncertainty over the Jedi order. Yeah, we got it. If by "power and uncertainty over the Jedi order" you mean "childlike tantrums anytime is MASTER gave him an order!" For years I blamed the pathetic nature of this character on Hayden Christian. His wining tones and constant bitching tainted what was meant to be the growth of a villainous icon. But after looking deeper into the way he spoke I had to give Hayden some credit. He had studied James Earl Jone's vocal performance as Vader and copied his punctuation. But without the deep resonance it fell flat. The main problem was the script, the horrible, cheese infested pathetic excuse for screen play that could have been bettered by a teenage, emo ridden Twilight enthusiast listening to 30 Seconds To Mars at full volume.
Those watching the movie fell asleep, those already asleep fell into a coma, those already in a coma died and those already dead decomposed at an alarming rate, yet they still didn't stink as badly as the first two uneventful hours. So, like Episode 1 had Darth Maul, Episode 2 was to have a moment of inspiration, enter the worlds greatest hustler...Yoda.
For hours we had seen him sat down, laying down, leaning heavily on his cane, using a hover chair for mobility and even duping Luke into a piggy back in order to get around. A half decent battle scene had woken us up just in time to see the little hustler hobble in on his stick and suddenly BANG! He was like Sonic on speed! Hints had been dropped about his swordsmanship throughout the movie (if you stayed awake) but to see it on screen was both jaw-droppingly good and ridiculously over the top. Still, the action packed finale was not worth the torture before hand.
Things were not looking good for the trilogy. The first was not what it should have been and the follow up was simply terrible. So how was this to be improved? The promise of more lightsabre action than all other movies combined, less chance for the terrible dialogue between Anakin and Padme, and the moment we had all been waiting for, the final transition from Anakin, to Darth Vader!
Did it work? Kind of. We still had all the inconsistencies carried over from the previous movies but the audience knew where they stood now and could raise and lower expectations accordingly. Anakin was still a miserable little bitch when he should have been a man, the droids were still the most pathetic creations conceived and the new star ships created to blend the transition from new-to-old styles still looked wrong. But we did have a more engaging movie. The action kept most people happy and the movie was set to go down as "the good one" in an otherwise disposable trilogy. It wasn't perfect, not by any stretch, but it was passable and even enjoyable at times. But where the other two were let downs crowned by a valiant attempt of redemption, this was the opposite.
The movie was going well, it almost made it. Like an Olympic hurdler powering through, stumbling on each and every hurdle but refusing to give in, only to have a sniper pick him off just before the finish line, this movie died when it was so close. It took two bullets to take this beast down. One bullet came in the form of Padme dying. Not from wounds easily explainable given her final scenes, no, she just "felt like dying". Oh, please! We've all been depressed, maybe even suicidal at times as your partner maybe called it a day, maybe your dog died or maybe teabag just didn't post enough boob pictures one day to keep you satisfied. But to die from thinking yourself to death is pretty impressive! It was just another in a long list of concepts George came up with that were so bad you felt like crying out NOOOOOOOO! Just like a cheesy frankenstein movie that no respectable film maker would replicate....oh dear! Yes, THE moment of the entire trilogy was destroyed, obliterated beyond repair for this very reason! And the movie lay motionless, dead, stiffer than Quagmire on a hen night. Such a waste.
So was the trilogy a complete waste? George Lucas's accountant doesn't think so, and I don't either. Some of the spin off games, books, shows and general expansion of the universe is a good thing. Would we have had The Old Republic games and novels without this trilogy? Maybe, maybe not. But even the movies themselves had a sound basic story arc, they just lacked a competent writer. Maybe if Mr Lucas spent less time deciding which chin to use when sculpting that beard, and more time writing and directing in a way anyone at his level should be able to do we would have had a truly epic trilogy. Both Darth Maul and Darth Vader were so popular because their origins are shrouded in mystery. George decided to remove the mystery surrounding Vader. If your going to do that you need to do it right, and quite simply, he failed.