DISCLAIMER: These are my honest and truthful opinions, if you don't agree with anything here just don't argue at all because I can't handle critical opinions towards myself and they are a waste of my time.
After boundless oceans I have sailed and many rum to be found on the floors of my cabin, I have returned to my home which I have long abandoned. This may not be the same home I grew up in but the feelings still catch hard, which brings me to today's topic. Should I even dare call this a topic because this is hardly a debate whatsoever. Also who are the smucks responsible for giving this stinker over 90%? Well I got the clear answer for that, much like how the new crappy Ghostbusters film has been given a fresh rating, critics are simply afraid to deem a female led film of empowerment in today's society as something terrible. Otherwise many of these critics would be subjected to the brash hatred of naysayers on the internet much like the backlash against Ghostbusters that happened recently. Yes it was clearly fine to give films such as Catwoman and Elektra upstanding low reviews but those were due to the time it was released. We are now living in a new time where if Catwoman was released, critics would instantly give it good reviews. The internet is a new place now filled with criticism beyond anything we have ever seen. Female empowerment groups for instance has been growing into a more strong following ready to attack these critics. Which now brings us to Wonder Woman, a film that is clearly a pile of turds but critics are afraid to attack it due to society today. A society that had changed for the worse and a society that has grown with such violent delights that have violent ends. I took it upon myself to think I was in a box. It was an empty box and slightly large enough to fit a couch. As I laid still in the dark box with nothing, I thought in my mind deeply. I heard a sudden echo, it told me to come out. So I did come out the box hours later and I see my friend and he hugs me. I felt a warm hug for the first time in a long time. It was amazing. It made me realize society could be how it is., but we can change as human beings. For the good of mankind itself we can share that tequila and make the best moments to come worthy for an album. We can take our pride and make freedom truly reign out our mind. The wits of a horse who once told me to never stop running. So I ran for my dreams. Ricky never stop digging, you will find her heart somewhere. This is my top five reasons why Wonder Woman is terrible. Just grab that shovel and never stop digging Ricky. You will soon find her heart and truly her love which has been buried so deep you may even have to claw your way down with your bare hands. Find it in you man, I believe in you. Like you once told me, the pain is the hardest part to being ourself. The pain does sting indeed and go off like a wild horse into the night. Rosenbell heaves the hay and takes me to the other side. As I rest a sudden attack is sensed. I grab my sword and run out the barn. As the night grows weary savages rise from the east on dark crows as they flew. They swung arrows like a showery mist upon the land and I ducked into cover but not in fear as I took my sword and swung it at a crow. It hit the crow as a man fell off and onto the grass crying a soft sound of pain. They stopped the arrows and flew down to land. All these dark clothed men with swords suddenly came charging at me. That is when I knew it was time to fight back. I swung a punch a goddamn haymaker and smacked one of them in the face. Then I grabbed its sword and slashed its head clean off then I slices open his guts and ripped them out. As the next one came swinging the sword in my direction, I quickly ducked and wrapped the string of guts around his neck chocking him. As another came behind me fast I took the guts and shoved it in his mouth quickly chocking him too. Then grabbing the sword and chopping his body in half. The last one came at me not with a sword but with his bare hands. I dishonoured the battle and swung the sword at his hands chopping them off. He bled quickly then I swung the sword again this time at his head cutting it clean off. I decided to celebrate this victorious battle by dropping my pants and climbing on top of his body then performing gentle humping motions to show my victory. I grabbed a holy cup and poured their blood in it and drank it all as I bathed in the blood of my vengeful enemies. Rosenbell sang a song that night and that good ole horse got a nice big boner which I did gently play with. I performed a dark act with Rosenbell that night which is how I overcame my fear of ants to eventually watch Ant-Man that same night with my butt still as sore as ever. My neighbour the wonderful stripper named Cat came over for dinner that night also and brought her lovely creamy mac n cheese made with the finest white sticky cream. She performed on the dinner table and finger banged the turkey. As I sat and watch I felt enraged the turkey was alive and it was not cooked yet. I grabbed a match and lit the turkey on fire causing the house to burn down. Ricky came by and made out with Cat and then I joined in and then Rosenbell joined in and basically it was a well designed three-way with a horse. Then slippin Micks came on by with the beer and we went to camp lazoo. We started a fire and told these crazy stories. Then suddenly a pirate ship came by and we climbed on board. On board the ship was Jack Sparrow and he gave us some booze and eventually we all fell asleep. Next day I woke up in a dumpster next to a Chinese restaurant. Cat woke up in a motel sleepin next to slippin Micks and I called them up and told em to meet me in the restaurant. It was lunch time I was hungry as frigg so I opened the menu and ordered some food. Cat and slippin Micks came by and we had this conversation which sounded like this: Cat, "I like cocks", and then slippin Micks said, "I got a big rooster right here", then I said, "Time goes fast when you got the will to put your past into the future". Then we ate some food and got outta there then suddenly Ricky shows up with some coke and we do some in the back. From experience to shock we relieve the purest forms in many ways. Love them and make them ours. In the time after slippin Micks slipped and took a stroll on the east block and did some time back in the steamer. Cat snorted up time and space and found herself floating on the edge of a razor. Ricky burned the candles out and prayed to Cthulhu that one day his soul shall be free of wretched sins. Me on the other hand refreshened my light and starved the greater frontiers. I rode the mighty Rosenbell to my kingdom and I never looked back until I saw my reflection. I remembered what I once become then I knew I had to send a smile to myself. I massaged my pores and shook my fist from within. I ran to the bar in a panic and grabbed a bottle of jack and I looked no further than two seats from me. Ricky was slouched out over the bar and sippin straight from the tap. I remembered a fragment and an important realization came to be, we must never be apart. As close and as distant as we ever were there is a sudden phase which drives our emotions. I grabbed flowers the next day to visit Cat's grave. I saw slippin Micks humping her grave when I arrived and he was really going at it. He had his shlong rubbing all over the tombstone and began licking it too. Then Ricky came by and shoved his finger in slippin Micks butt and began furiously fingering. A river of crap soon came flowing out and all over Cat's grave. Then they hugged each other and cried, I joined in the hugging too which eventually turned into an orgy. I remembered the way the demons were summoned that night and how life was never the same without a lemon scented candle to sniff. Back in the early days I remembered but the time was now and I had to continue my journey of self discovery. I travelled to a distant island where I met a tribe of people who eat each other but respect the values of themselves. It showed me that friends sometimes can still be a friend even if you eat them. Then I set course back to my cabin in the jungles of the pinewoods and stumbled upon the fifty year old bottle of scotch and drank till the last drop. That's when I got a knock on the door and it was Ricky. Ricky told me slippin Micks finally slipped and got himself beaten to death by a wild squirrel. I busted open the special captain and we sat remembering how hunting season was always in style. That was when suddenly I had an epiphany and I saw Captain America completely bare but holding his shield and riding Rosenbell for his life. It struck in me that sometimes the real hero is the monsters we create in our mind. I looked to my left at Ricky and he slowly disappeared from my vision, just faded away. I then looked outside and it became just a blur. Stumbling out the cabin I looked into the sky and saw a bright flash of a white light. Moments later I woke up in a hospital and Ricky was there. Then I looked again and saw Cat and slippin Micks too. I was told I just have awoken from a deep coma I was in for a couple years. Then suddenly a bright light flashed again and I found myself back in my cabin on the outside by the lake. I was floating in the water and felt the cool wind beneath my feet. I breathed the air softly and looked in horror as I was about to go over a waterfall soon. That was when Ricky jumped into the war and took my hand and swam me out of my destined demise. At looked at Ricky as he was completely wet from the water and so was I. We both looked into each others eyes and felt a softness like no other. He touched my lips ever so gently and came close to my ears whispering, "It will be okay my sweet prince". Then he playfully licked my ear all over like a dog. I was so mesmerized about how his tongue moved so swiftly. That was when he pressed his lips against mine and kissed me. I grabbed his hair playfully then kissed him back on the lips. We soon began to make out by the river and took off our completely wet clothing. The sun came down as we came into each other. The darkness engulfed us till no light was seen. The following morning I woke up and Ricky was still sleeping softly next to me. I decided to make a phone call, which involved me swiftly looking through a phonebook. I searched then I found the number, it was for my long lost friend Steve. Steve told me about the current happy life he was living with his beautiful wife and daughter and I decided to visit him that day. When we drove down to find Steve however we found ourselves in a homeless slum. Ricky stopped the car and said this has to be the wrong neighbourhood. I looked to my right and there he was, we found Steve. Steve was living in a tent under a small bridge. When I asked him about his wife and daughter he showed me a playboy magazine and pointed out two pictures and told me thats them. We ate with Steve and we had what seemed like a fried rat covered in jolly ranchers. That was when Ricky had the idea we all should hit up the strip club that night and get totally wasted. When we arrived at the strip joint it was closed down. So instead we ran to the store and grabbed all the jacks and captains then began the merry circle jerk party in the car. We found some tranny hookers on the side of the road and rented a motel room and it went down from there. I can't remember much from that night but it brought us all closer to the truth. Who we are is defined by who we have become. I found out one of the hookers we picked up was Cat's sister named Kat, and she had a nice shlong. This is all the intricate details from the time it became the lemon swirls to the cherry pie on the top. The morning came and the room looked liked a ghostbusters slime out. Then the door busted down and an angry man walked in shouting hail satan. I looked around the room seemed like it was totally lit. I grabbed a bottle and smashed it on his head then he glared at me with red demonic eyes. Suddenly Ricky woke up and jumped on him. Steve tried to hold him down too. He was powerful but Steve said move out the way bitch and took a swing at him knocking down straight to the ground. Those were the days when we knew the fight was worth the medal of grass. The rolled in stank gave in the scent of victory. We then all decided to see Wonder Woman together which inspired me to write this article.
#5 - It's a Hercules Rip-off
Am absolutely appalled how much of this story ripped off Hercules right down to everything! Disney if you are listening you have a clear lawsuit up in this bitch! So what is the point here well there is absolutely a point! Hercules the courageous story about a son of a greek god and who most prove his worth and fight another evil god named Hades. When I watched Wonder Woman I already saw this movie years ago when Disney did it better! Even the Kellan Lutz Hercules has a chance of making a lawsuit against this rip-off too. How could Warner Bros be so unoriginal all they had to do was make Wonder Woman a normal human being who obtained these powers through this toxic waste accident. There simply explained and without ripping of a goddamn classic.
#4 - No Joker
Where was Jared Leto's joker in the movie? They had all these extra scenes of joker they could have simply just crammed into this movie and it would have made sense. We would see both the past and present combined entirely in one film because I was confused at first which time this movie took place in and having the joker merged in the story would have added the much needed humour this film was missing and would have made for a better story. Imagine if the joker time travelled to the past and fought Wonder Woman? That would have made for a more better story!
#3 - Steve Trevor is Captain Kirk
I am convinced and I am most definitely convinced Steve Trevor is exactly Captain Kirk. They both have the same looks and personality and the actors both look the same. Steve didn't blow up goddamnnit I know the enterprise from high above beamed him up and he became Captain Kirk. That absolves the entire Star Trek continuity also and explains how there is two Captain Kirks, they simply had one waiting in the direct form of Steve Trevor!
#2 - The Story Mocks War
I am disgusted and the portrayal of such a serious subject in such a sickening over glorified depiction in this film. The first Captain America film handled this subject better. I can believe Captain America physically exists and I can believe a Red Skull exists. I don't absolutely believe a Wonder Woman would exist or even have been fighting in a battle at all. This is clearly unrealistic and disgusting, woman didn't fight at all they were in the kitchen making sandwiches. I would rather have an entire film of Wonder Woman making a sandwich that would be more realistic than this!
#1 - No Batman
The biggest missed opportunity of the entire film and the biggest disappointment. All we get is some lame Wayne logo in this movie! I want my money back! I was expecting to see full on Batman action throughout this entire movie clearly the entirety of the DCEU is dependant on Batman and they made a mistake by not having him in here! I want to see Batman kicking butt not some lame female hero. Batman is a more interesting character and this is how I would have done the story better with Batman. "Batman sees the old picture of Wonder Woman and decides to build a time machine, he goes back into the past, and saves the world". There I made better story than this garbage!
I came out the theater with my gut completely wretched from the vile disgust this film was. I puked in Ricky's bag of popcorn and then hurled in Steve's. We decided to then roll up to McDonalds and grab a bite to eat. Kat was still with us because she liked us and it was all cool. We went back to the motel that night and had another wild party. The following morning I woke up and everyone was gone. I got a call and they said they all got food poisoning and were in the hospital. I laid in the bed reflecting on it all. Then I made a decision untimely to be honest with myself. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and looked into the mirror. I knew it was time to return. I knew I was meant to write this. No one wants to read serious news articles that is a thing of the past. I looked at a comment Gusto made and shed a tear, I was always remembered. I grabbed a half full bottle and drank it down. The past never looked so real. I stepped out the room and called upon my horse Rosenbell and rode away. It was time to return so I did. This is how it began....
To be continued in: The Jacky Movie