As a quick prelude I generally avoid writing articles like these. I prefer to just give my biased opinion on some upcoming comic book movie. Certain events have forced me to open up a bit, pull back the curtain, and get a bit personal. SPOILER warning to all who read. You're about to see me in a new light. Please bear with me.
My entire conflict revolves around Scarlett Johansson. She is absolutely beautiful. I have really enjoyed her performance as Black Widow. I really enjoyed the dry humping thing she did in Don Jon. Not only was the scene sexy without any nudity but for the second time in my life I was envious of Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The first time was when he got to meet Batman.
Anyway, I really love Scarlett Johansson (or ScarJo, for the unintiated). My favorite part of Iron Man 2 (besides the whole Ayn Rand/Atlas Shrugged/Private industry over government theme) was the scene where Tony Stark pulls up Natasha Romanov's profile and we see her in a very seductive pose in lingerie. Boy, do I love lingerie. I could write about lingerie for hours. But I won't. Suffice it to say, I just love seeing a woman in lingerie. In bras and panties. Garter belts and stockings. I'm drooling like Homer Simpson with a box of donuts right now. I really love panties. All the different materials and styles. I'm actually wearing a pair of Melissa McCarthy's right now. Real comfy and there's actually a ton of room.
Back to the topic at hand, I just wanted to establish that I really liked Scarlett Johansson. But all of that changed a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago I decided to rent 'Under the Skin' and my whole world changed. Thank goodness I didn't win that blu-ray copy that one of the power users put up for the giveaway.
Have any of you seen 'Under the Skin'? My goodness, what a traumatic film. Long story short (Oh. Yeah. SPOILER ALERT): Scarlett Johansson plays an alien in human skin that travels around Scotland seducing men for nefarious purposes. Sounds pretty cool, right? Oh. Man. It's going to be so cool seeing Scarlett Johansson naked and being seductive. Boy, was I wrong. I was so very wrong. I was about as wrong about this film as Noomi Rapace's character in Prometheus was to go and find the Engineers.
By now you all must be thinking this is some big joke. Your assumptions could not be further from the truth. That film really did traumatize me. I saw things in there that I was not expecting. It was not only visceral and gratuitous but it was supplements with a really bizarre soundtrack. Seeing those fully aroused naked dudes blindly following Scarlett Johansson and then being pulled into a black abyss. Ugh! I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it. And, again, the music with those scenes really made them all the more unsettling.
Yeah, yeah, we got to see Scarlett Johansson naked but at what cost? My brain is forever scarred by that film. I couldn't even give 'LUCY' a chance and I love 'LUCY'. Luc Besson is one of my favorite action directors. I just couldn't picture Scarlett Johansson as anything more than that alien in 'Under the Skin.' Her in her sexy black panties, seductively removing her clothes. It sounds great, I know. But it is immediately contrasted by fully torqued naked dudes (Thank the heavens this film wasn't in 3D!!!) being sucked into a black goo and having their insides removed.
I really want to see 'Avengers: Age of Ultron'. I think it has the potential to be the best comic book movie ever. I'm anxious to see how Joss Whedon pulls off the villianous Ultron. I'm also very conflicted. I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier the other day at the three dollar theater and there were times when Black Widow was on screen and I grimaced. I think I even almost had a panic attack.
Could you imagine how embarrassing that would be? Having some EMT resuscitating me in a movie theater. Revealing to the whole audience that “Hey, this dude is wearing Melissa McCarthy's underwear!” That would just be even more traumatic. I was lucky that I was able to keep it together. I don't want to lose my stuff during the Avengers sequel.
Please sound off in the comments below. I would love to hear what you all have to say.
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