WARNING! If your easily offended by coarse language or seriously love X-Men Orgins Wolverine Please do not watch or read the review below!
(For those of you who can't watch the video here)
So how bad is X-Men Origins: Wolverine?
OK, it’s not the worst comic book movie of all time, but you’re gonna be pretty fricking pee peed off when you get through watching this big piece of poopy.
When the film starts off in the Northwest Territories of Canada in 1845, we get to see some little puny-ass kid all sick and poopy, bundled up in his blankie.
I guess this is Baby Wolverine, or Baby Logan or something like that. But in the other corner we’ve got some unknown little prick, looking like he just pooped his fricking pants. Turns out, this is Victor Creed, AKA: Sabertooth. His dad’s pissed off about something and is coming after Baby Wolverine’s dad. So Baby Logan’s dad gets shot and killed, and we get our first glimpse of the claws in this horribly [frick]ing rendered effects scene.
Looks like Baby Logan’s on a Segway or something.
But after Baby Logan stabs Victor Creed’s father, only to find out that Victor’s father is really his… father?
Wait a minute, within the first five minutes of this piece of poopy Fox-Fest we’re finding out Victor Creed, AKA: Sabertooth, is Logan/Wolverine’s brother?
Ok, so Fox has completely screwed up the continuity of the X-Men films. But anyway, these two little girls run off into the woods together, and we get a short little montage that skips through time.
Here’s the most confusing part for most people: What the frick is Wolverine and Sabertooth doing fighting in World War I, II, and the Vietnam War? I mean, these guys are Canadian, they shouldn’t give a doo doo about America. I know there’s a few reasons Wolverine might fight in WWII, but Fox doesn’t own the rights to Captain America, so you can skip that pee pee filled excuse. If you remember anything from the 90’s animated series, you know that Wolverine was part of the Alpha Flight. So after a bunch of bullshit fricking war scenes, we find that Stryker wants to recruit Logan/Wolverine for some peepee-poor fricking Fox version of Alpha Flight.
The team consists of Agent Zero, AKA: Maverick, who’s supposed to be some kind of super ninja or some doo doo, they don’t really explain it too well.
Then we’ve got John Rath, who’s kind of like Nightcrawler, he can teleport and shit.
We’ve got Fred Dukes, AKA: The Blob, who’s supposed to be some kind of indestructible force.
Eventually he becomes nothing more than fat-ass comic relief.
Then they give us Wade Wilson, a mercenary with a smart-ass mouth.
When we first see him kicking ass, it’s like the director didn’t even want Ryan Reynolds to learn how to use a sword. If you go back and watch the movie, you can see him just kind of waving his arms around. The least they could have done is teach him how to swing swords around like he knows what he’s doing. Nope, that’s Fox for ya! They don’t know how to do any of these characters right, including Deadpool.
Finally, we get Merry Brandybuck from Driveshaft, whose powers I still don’t [frick]ing understand, because you don’t even hear his name until Victor kills his ass.
I guess he plays with lightbulbs or some shit. And yes, I included a Lost and Lord of the Rings reference.
So what joins this all-star Fox-raped mutant powerhouse together? It’s funny that you might ask that. How bout a big ol’ rock that looks like a lump of silver PooP?
Yep, after they kill a poop-ton of people and break into a facility, they’ve done it all for a fricking rock.
This is where Wolverine gets peed and leaves the team because the members start killing a bunch of civilians, and Logan don’t want no part of that!
He killed thousands of people over the years, but he’s not killing anyone over a damn rock.
For some reason, they decided to fast-forward six years later to the Canadian Rockies, where Logan settles down with Kayla Silverfox and works at a lumberyard.
It doesn’t get too deep into that, it jumps straight to Springfield, Ohio, where we see the guy from Driveshaft.
After a pretty much pointless, utterly useless scene, Creed tells him to try out some death and kills him or something.
I don’t know what they were trying to prove with this scene, but I had no attachment to the character whatso-fricking-ever. So now we go back to Canada, where we find out Logan gets the name Wolverine from some bitch telling him a story about Quaker Oats or some shit…
Oh, my bad, whatever the frick that means.
Anyway, who gives a poop, 30 minutes into the film and my Give A Damn Meter is busted. After that loving speech, Logan goes to work to find some kind of animal head in the woods. For no reason whatsoever, he takes off running to find his woman lying in the woods taking a nap. I mean dead.
So now he’s peed-off, using his Toucan Sam mutant powers to follow his nose to Creed.
But what really bothers me is that he just leaves the chick out in the woods. He doesn’t go back to get her body. So what kind of disrespectful son of a bitch is Wolverine? Whatever, Creed and Logan battle it out.
Creed whoops Logan’s ass and breaks his bone claws
Then he wakes up in the hospital with Stryker trying to talk him into coming to some island so he can give him the tools he needs to defeat Creed.
So after getting his name changed to Wolverine and getting Adamantium implanted into his body, we learn that he’s got some new powers.
Not only does he have super hearing, but he uses his brand new Roger Rabbit claws to go streaking butt-ass fricking naked in a field.
That’s where some old frickers find him and cook him dinner and give him some clothes.
But this is what pissed me off the most about Wolverine, his damn claws.
After Wolverine gets done masturbating and streaking across fields and poop, we get the first look at his brand-new silvery claws, and they look like total [frick]ing shit. They would have been better off giving Hugh Jackman some fricking butter knives to put between his knuckles.
Enough about that, we’re introduced to these nice old frickers, and then BLAMO, they’re killed with no emotion whatsoever. This is why the movie fails in all aspects, no character development. To give the audience no reason to give a shit about these characters is like saying ‘HEY, let’s just poop all over every fricking thing you think about Wolverine!’ You can easily guess what happens next. Wolverine gets all peed off and freaks out yet again, gets on a motorcycle and sets out for revenge with silly stunts and corny explosions that he just walks away from. It’s like Director Gavin Hood didn’t give a frick about this movie, I’m not for sure if he even read the script. It’s almost like he said, ‘Well, as long as I get to film Wolverine walking away from bad-ass explosions, I’ll direct it!’
Halfway through the movie, fanboys have already had their childhoods raped. Fox’s Wolverine has pooped on everything people have grown up loving about the comics and animated series. And I bet the writers just laughed themselves to the bank, as comic book fans everywhere were seriously peed-off. The stars that were in this film should be [frick]ing embarrassed that they helped to produce such a disrespect to these characters.
I mean seriously, what kind of sick, unintelligent, dim-witted, stupid frick would greenlight 150 million dollars to make this piece of poop? I mean Frick, Fox, what are you doing? Are you just trying to secure the rights so Marvel doesn’t get them?
So we’re halfway through the movie, and you think the worst is over. Frick no, it’s not. When I went to see this movie in theaters, people were walking out because they had already seen the Wolverine workprint that leaked out online. I could hear them bitching about how none of the effects were improved, the story was still poop, and it was just a waste of money. So if you’ve gotten this far into Wolverine Origins, it’s best to turn it off right now and save yourself a major pain in the ass. I warn you, the second act is the stupidest of all.
Stay tune for Part 2 as I try to wrap my head around the second half of X-Men Origins: Wolverine !