SPOILERS: Lets React & Review - Age of Ultron

So last Friday I went out and had ourselves a lovely Italian meal. During the face slapping spaghetti and seriously overpriced wine, we discussed comic book movies. While chatting, she brought up a very intriguing idea... maybe Age of Ultron won't be the second coming. We were going to see it afterwards and she was worried that the expensive VIP seats were going to be unjustified (especially considering our financial situation)... "But what if it's not as good as the first one?" she decried, gulping down the last remnants of our disposable income.

So we paid our bills, held our breath and walked over to the cinema... what follows is a spoiler filled review of my experience watching this movie.

We arrived at our local VUE with our mission parameters engaged. She ran over to the ticket vending machines and collected those sweet sweet VIP papers and I was tasked with gathering the snacks and drink to fuel our adventure through AOU. Upon reaching the counter, I say "2 large Fanta's and these" whilst pointing to an array of chocolate and savoury bags. The counter lady, we will call Susan, starts pouring the drinks and I realize that OH CRAP they're doing limited edition drinks with Avengers characters on the top. "Susan, my friend, please can you switch to these magnificent avengers encrusted drink recepticles". She obliges and offers me Hulk and Ultron as drink toppers. "Susan, please, you think I'm here for second rate? Give me Iron Man and Captain America". Half my rent money later and we're set.

We grab our 3D glasses and are straight into the bathroom for "pre-adventure relief". Then into the theatre we go. It was a nice cool below-freezing temperature in there. It was as if the ice from all the merchandised drinks were somehow preparing planet Earth for a firestorm about to erupt from everyones hype organs.

Adverts.

Adverts.

3D GLASSES ON!

3D Adverts.

Adverts.

Advert for AOU.

ITS STARTING! We open our bags of crunchy snacks to avoid the awkward rustling they would cause. 

The action opens up mid fight, witht our heroes doing some awesome sweet tricks, captain america throwing around motorcycles like a hells angel that's sick of being owed cash. First line of the movie is "Shit"... ok Joss. Wait theres a futuristic forcefield around that mansion?

Ok so Scarlett Witch is making tony do insidious things with the sceptre right. She showed him some stuff and now shes mind controlling him? I get a momentary "hmm" from the Mrs, engrossed in Cap America deathralls. Scarlett Witch smiling means shes happy with Tony just taking things.

So Tony wants some alone time with the Sceptre, this probably means hes going to do bad things with it. He's under the Witches spell after all. Wait? He isn't? Is he? Ok so Bruce Banner is helping him... I guess all's well?

So Ultron is just a spontaneous event or what? Also Cap almosting lifting Thors hammer made me lol. 

NO JARVIS NOOOOO. Tony Stark probably has a backup though.

Ooo sinister, I'm liking this Ultron. Wait, why didn't Ultron choose one of the less destroyed bots to make his entrance?

Wait what? Tony just made an evil death AI and people are just half-caring about it? I'm so confused, is Tony a bad guy now or what? Captain America is mostly just "im angry that you didnt tell us."

Ah villain motive. Ultron wants to destroy humans to replace them. I like the babies metaphor... not liking the sudden one liners hes popping out now though.

We're really globe trotting here. Wait IS THAT ANDY SERKIS? Is that Andy Serkis's arm?  IS THAT IDRIS ELBA?! IS THAT AGENT CARTER?! It's a real emotional rollercoaster and I'm not even 100% whats happening in the flashbacks. Are they flashbacks? Why is Thor in hell? Do vikings have a hell?

So Ultron wants humanity to evolve now? I though he wanted to destroy humanity. Does he want humanity to evolve by destroying it? Is that why hes working with the twins?

Hahaha hawkeye brain-electricity and one liners.

So Hulks on a rampage. Jeez, Banner is gonna seriously be upset with this destruction. Additional arms for Hulkbuster flying from the sky. 

Wait did they just destroy an entire skyscraper and then he beat Hulk by punching him?

"Its not even in the news but we should lay low" WHAT?!

Ahhhhh, sceptre control. Ive seen this game before. So he wants her to build a new body. Wait, is that an infinity stone? Wait? Didn't Thanos give Loki that staff so that Loki could get him the Tesseract? Why would Thanos give Loki an infinity stone so that Loki could get Thanos an infinity stone?

Ohhh its the mind stone, that explains all the brain control. Ohhhhh its the vision. Ok.

Pew pew Captain America is Captain America-ing.

Ultron has a thing for Elizabeth Olsen and Natasha Johansson has been kidnapped.

Things seem to be happening... JARVIS IS ALIVE. Thor going nuts in a random pond.

THOR OUTTA NOWHERE! THUNDER BOMB ATTACK. Frankenvision lives.

Not really sure whats happening at the moment, but theres a lot of smashy smashy.

Army of baddies against the avengers in a circle... ok. So they're trying to stop Ultron pressing a button? Doesn't he have like a robot remote button or something?

Ohhhh its a meteor. Vision Iron Man and Thor supercombo was super effective.

Where the [frick] was Fury hiding that helicarrier?

I think ultron singing is supposed to be creepy, but its just funny.

Night night sweet silver prince. Hawkeye nap time.

Lol Hulk.

Thanks SW, you just [frick]ed the world up by not doing your job. Seriously, you only had one thing to do.

Oh... everythings ok. 

Wow overkill Vision.

Thor prepping his sequals and Captain America cut off short. What about those cities that were destroyed... any mention of them? ANYTHING? You guys just uprooted thousands of lives. ... the end

MID CREDITS SCENE! My girlfriend stirs to get up and I shout "No, we must wait for the thing."

K, Thanos.

AFTER CREDITS SCENE! "Spork I need to pee". "Just wait there, my dear this will be worth it"

THE AVENGERS WILL RETURN. A guy at the back of the cinema shouts "IS THAT IT?!"

The thing I found most interesting about this film is the amount of hype I had going in compared to coming out. Normally me and the Mrs have a lot to talk about... but it was really subdued. Mostly like a "well that happened I guess". The conversation quickly transformed to "It was great, but..." conversations. Like "It was great but Captain America 2 was better". "It was great but it was overstuffed and confusing". "It was great but, I would have enjoyed more If I was a Marvel comics fan". We hit rotten tomatoes on the bus home and started seeing similar opinions to ours. Mostly reviews pegged from "THIS IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN CIVILISATION" to "Meh, it was K".

I have loads of unanswered questions as well. Like
-Why would thanos give Loki an infinity stone to gain posession of an infinity stone?
-How did ultron just appear into existance spontaneously?
-Why did hawkeye suddenly have a wife and kids?
-If vision can lift Thors hammer, why do we need Thor any more?
-Why did they make Captain America lamer than his solo outing?
-Did they kill quicksilver because of Xmen?
-Why did ultron spend so much time making a meteor and not just a gigantic army of copies?
-Why didnt ultron have a remote detonator for his meteor thing?
-Why didnt ultron kill SW and QS if hes trying to evolve humans through extinction? Actually, what the hell did Ultron even want?
-Why did Von Strucker die in an off-screen incident? He was pretty important wasnt he?
-Why didn't Iron Man plug one of his replacement AI's into his suits as soon as JARVIS died?
-If JARVIS wasn't there and was basically responsible for everything, how did Iron Man deploy the Hulkbuster? Wouldn't Ultron have stopped him sending the signal?
-Why didnt SW dissolve the trigger for the meteor device?
-Why didnt Vision kill Ultron when he was disconnecting him from the internet?
-Why did Ultron steal a jet when he can fly?

I could go on.

In conclusion. 3.5/5. It had lots of action, smashy smashy and lots (LOTS) of characters but I kind of expected more. We were surprised how little we actually took away from it considering its an Avengers movie and should have more oversight than all the other properties. But there you go. Its a fun ride... it honestly is... but feels dulled somehow. It feels a lot like a Transformers sequal, actually. Made to be flashy and awesome so that people buy all the toys.

Peace out, folks.