C R A Z Y W A N K E R
R E VI E W S
(WARNING: This just for fun and satiric purposes. Don''t be offended or take this seriously, you pussy)
I want to say right off the bat, i LOVE The XX-Men! They're my favorite strippers. They don't charge on the phone, and i want me my old fashioned men-power. They're great, and i am pretty sure they have some superhero powers, cause at the end of a 'meeting' i feel vaporized. They're great.
But unfortanutely, today i am not here writing this to tell you how great those lads are, but rather talk about the less sexy and 'X' ish men, the X-Men! (more like the X-Wankers With Leather Suits and that fits more) With one X...ugh..sucks. Let's begin with.....
As for casual readers, you all know i love making fun of the cast of the film, and with X: Apocalypse, i have tons of jokes to make and Starks to kill. First off, Sansa is in this movie, i guess she did ditching immortal Joffrey, that Bolton guy, who reminds me of me, and there shouldn't be another bastard like me. Anyways, the cast is amazing.
McAvoy, Fassbender. Fun fact, i got a few lads who look like the two, and that's why they're on the top of my list. But there as many great actors in this movie and- STOP, STOP, alright, before we got to all that critic shit, i wanna point this out, Olivia Munn is in this. And what does that mean? Huh?
Exactly! But not only does he f**k up the source material and the suits, he f**ks up the only perfect thing about this movie, Olivia Munn. What's Psylocke's powers? Answer me, you don't know, huh? What was that? The only thing that makes you remember that character? Right, it's the...
See? But did she satisfy and did what this movie could easily do and beat Civil War? It [frick]ing didn't do it. Not only you f**k up Apocalypse, you f**k up the source, and you f***k up, god, i am getting sick of those dots over my f***s.
STORY
The story starts off with Apocalypse being born, and it was a glorious scene. But we didn't get to see Oscar Issac's ding dong..ugh..one day, one day.
Anyways, he is put to sleep and awaken in 1983. I bet if he had awaken this year, that mother[frick]er would chop off his own head.
And then we get to the first recruit of the horsemen, Storm, who might be the world's worst thief. I mean, she did the job AFTER everyone knew she was stealing. Why so bad, girl? If you aren't good at stealing, then....wait, what the [frick] does Apocalypse do with you, now? You're just controlling the weather. This f***ng imbecile right here could do your job better:
Then, we return to Magneto, who's just...well, he went full Dexter and made a boring stupid family who die later in the film. Why should i care? You don't properly introduce them, they had little screentime, and you expect me to care? No, Singer, no. I ain't giving you my panties tonight. Then, we get some stuff, blah, blah. We get an underground fight club with mutants. Cool idea, but that's the only creative thing in this movie. In the end, Apocalypse (who's supposed to be one of the strongest mutants) gets defeated by Sansa. Why take all that anger caused by Ramsay violating your ass, on Apocalypse? Poor guy, looked like a Power Rangers villain.
THE NEW CHARACTERS
Here's my ranking:
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Psylocke's ass
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Psylocke's tits
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Psylockes' suit
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Psylocke's sexyness
Ah! Just dicking around, here's my REAL ranking though:
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Cyclops
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Nightcrawler
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Jean Grey
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Psylocke
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Storm
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Archangel......................................................................................................................................................................
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And Psylocke's Ass
Sorry, couldn't not resist. Anyways the new characters are like this. I loved Cyclops. I loved Cyclops all my life. Maybe that explains why i am such a crazy perverted psycho irishman.
Well, what the f**k can you do, right?
But Sophie Turner plays Sansa Stark, who just got back to her bastard brother who knows nothing, and then comes here looking like she doesn't know how to use her hand.
Psylocke's alright, a little underused, but the ass and titties make up for it. Storm is my least favorite, it's her acting, just abilities, and anything. Why the [frick] put her? And Archangel...meh, that wanker lad is just there.
W H A T DO Y O U T H I N K O F
Now, f**k off, mate.
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